Exasperated by his children’s inability to effectively re-express his most controversial comments, Donald Trump has begun distancing from them — or more precisely, distancing them from him.
Taking a page from his political muse Vladimir Putin, Trump has exiled sons Donald Jr. and Eric to a “Yukon hunting trip.” He also ordered daughter Ivanka to refocus her brand on managing her newborn’s team of au pairs and remain as mute as a Muslim-American Gold Star mother.
“The boys especially are huge disappointments, and the Yukon is the closest Trump could find to Putin’s Siberia. He hopes forced exposure to undertanned Canadian hordes and flying commercial will get through to Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Junior,” said a source, who would only describe himself as not sounding at all like Donald Trump.
Trump also suspects his children of major contractual misuse of the Trump name. As with all Trump licensing agreements, his adult children can only use the Trump name in very specific and successful situations. Otherwise, they must use their spouse’s surnames.
Examples of suspected brand misuse include when the Trump kids forgot to register to vote during the primaries, Eric launching a line of slow dried meats called “Jerky Trump,” and Donald Jr. twice appearing at rallies in a non-1980s cut of business suit.
The last straw came when Trump learned his kids – and the Trump name – were connected to GOP leadership plans for a campaign intervention – something Trump considers tantamount to a Trump Palace® coup and gross trademark violaton.
“Trump’s lawyers are also combing through the kids’ summer visitation agreement with their father,” the source said. “But if Trump can’t force their mother to pick them up early, Trump feels he has no choice but to drop out this incredibly rigged but easily winnable election.”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who apologizes to Gamblers Anonymous for bringing blowfish to the last pot luck fundraiser.