In a surprise 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court not only declared Ted Cruz eligible to become U.S. president, but ruled the rest of the Republican presidential field ineligible.
Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, “Any literal interpretation of the U.S. Constitution must focus on the words ‘natural born citizen.’ This is obvious evidence the Founding Fathers wished all U.S. Presidents to be born via natural child birth.”
Scalia continued: “Since Canadian hospitals did not adopt modern maternity practices until the early 1980s, Cruz’s American mother had no choice but to deliver him naturally in one of Calgary’s famed birthing igloos. So although Cruz looks like a Canadian ferret, constitutionally he’s as American as giving corporations the individual right to buy elections.”
Using this same reasoning, the justices disqualified most other GOP candidates for the following reasons:
- Donald Trump was spawned, not birthed.
- Due to birth weight worries, Chris Christie was born by C-section.
- Marco Rubio’s mother drank three pitchers of sangria to numb pains.
- Carly Fiorina was incubated in a host before exploding from its chest.
- Both Ben Carson and Rand Paul were test-tube engineered.
- John Kasich’s mother cheated by biting on a stick.
- Mike Huckabee hatched after Stripe the Gremlin dove into a pool.
- The Bush family found Jeb! in a basket and don’t know how he was born (or got that exclamation point).
- Rick Santorum never polled above 0%, thus can't prove his existence.
- George Pataki embodies New York values.
Scalia’s ruling was signed onto by Chief Justice John Roberts, Justice Anthony Kennedy and Justice Sam Alito. Justice Clarence Thomas concurred by affixing his customary thumb print.
Following the ruling, former candidates Scott Walker, Rick Perry, and Bobby Jindal all re-entered the GOP race. With the field suddenly thinned to four, initial Iowa polls had Ted Cruz falling to fourth.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who wonders how many Iowa voters think Bernie’s slogan “Feel the Bern” refers to a new Bill Clinton social disease.