Chicago Bulls Derrick Rose skipped his teammates’ victory last night over the Los Angeles Clippers. The Bulls injury report initially listed the cause of absence as a restless night’s sleep at his 3,102-square foot Trump Tower condo. Rose had recently contracted for the painting of a grand mural over his bed depicting the mythic flight of Icarus. Unfortunately, the artists failed to properly vent the paint fumes, forcing Rose to sleep on the rocking upper bunk in his older brother Reggie’s adjacent room.
Representatives for Rose later disputed this, blaming yet another communication snag with Chicago Bulls management. No new excuse was given, but sources close to Rose’s agent, brother, Addidas shoe-contract rep, Giordano’s Pizza, junior entourage members, and his Baby Mama offered the following possibilities:
- D. Rose must stay healthy to juggle his stay-at-home father duties
- D. Rose must stay healthy to aggressively swoop in at the last minute and dominate online bidding for Jose Canseco’s severed finger
- D. Rose is more focused on keeping a high Uber passenger rating
- D. Rose must conserve energy for tonight’s season premiere of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/Live Tweet Spectacular”
- D. Rose wants to stay healthy enough to see acne cured in his lifetime
- D. Rose must pace himself to successfully defend his FIBA World Championship in 2018
- D. Rose just started an all-kale juicing diet
- D. Rose is preparing to return to the University of Memphis and complete his college degree (or at least freshman year)
- D. Rose wants to be healthy enough to enjoy Judge Judy reruns in his golden years
- D. Rose needs time off to start physically preparing for another grueling 30-game schedule next season
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who can’t believe his University of Phoenix degree isn’t worth the copy paper it was printed on.
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