Top 10 Super Bowl predictions

Super Bowl Sunday and reckless sports wagering seem as perfectly paired as a Real Housewives marathon and white trash wedding planning. In Vegas, the over/under on opera soprano Renée Fleming’s National Anthem rendition is already at 2 minutes, 30 seconds, and TheFluff is hedging its action by dropping some serious ducat on whether any real seahawks or broncos die during the halftime show. (First rule of prop betting: Never trust Teamster safety standards.)

In this spirit, here are our Top 10 predictions for Super Bowl XLVIIIVIICDMv:

  1. In honor of the 10-year anniversary of Janet Jackson nipple slip, Troy Aikman will broadcast entire game in body-paint bikini.
  2. Tostitos food engineer Jacob Smith will win MVP for having invented the tortilla scoop and giving Americans one more way to shovel in the salsa.
  3. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will salute 15-year-old Julie Messner as this year’s winner of “Run, Kick & Pass Your Concussion Protocol.”
  4. For first time, more retirees will explain to their grandchildren what Go Daddy is than vice versa.
  5. An ESPN poll will reveal 62% of fans are fine with an on-field decapitation as long as it isn’t Peyton Manning.
  6. Head referee Terry McAulay will uphold challenge flag thrown against Bill O’Reilly for unsportsmanlike pre-game interview of President Obama.
  7. The two Canadian players — Seattle’s Jon Ryan and Denver’s Orlando Franklin — will tremble slightly during the Stealth Bomber flyover.
  8. Announcer Joe Buck’s repeated use of the phrase “Jim Dandy of a game” will again fail to enter Bartlett’s Famous Quotations.
  9. The Meadowlands Sports Complex will hire extra personnel to respond to all bogus Jimmy Hoffa burial tips.
  10. To boost ratings further next year, the NFL will announce plans to travel teams to Kabul, Afghanistan and play on a frozen goat carcass field.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who hopes Commissioner Goodell suffered at least six concussions last year to earn his $29 million.

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: Entertainment, sports, Top 10 list

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    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact

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