Super Bowl Sunday and reckless sports wagering seem as perfectly paired as a Real Housewives marathon and white trash wedding planning. In Vegas, the over/under on opera soprano Renée Fleming’s National Anthem rendition is already at 2 minutes, 30 seconds, and TheFluff is hedging its action by dropping some serious ducat on whether any real seahawks or broncos die during the halftime show. (First rule of prop betting: Never trust Teamster safety standards.)
In this spirit, here are our Top 10 predictions for Super Bowl XLVIIIVIICDMv:
- In honor of the 10-year anniversary of Janet Jackson nipple slip, Troy Aikman will broadcast entire game in body-paint bikini.
- Tostitos food engineer Jacob Smith will win MVP for having invented the tortilla scoop and giving Americans one more way to shovel in the salsa.
- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will salute 15-year-old Julie Messner as this year’s winner of “Run, Kick & Pass Your Concussion Protocol.”
- For first time, more retirees will explain to their grandchildren what Go Daddy is than vice versa.
- An ESPN poll will reveal 62% of fans are fine with an on-field decapitation as long as it isn’t Peyton Manning.
- Head referee Terry McAulay will uphold challenge flag thrown against Bill O’Reilly for unsportsmanlike pre-game interview of President Obama.
- The two Canadian players — Seattle’s Jon Ryan and Denver’s Orlando Franklin — will tremble slightly during the Stealth Bomber flyover.
- Announcer Joe Buck’s repeated use of the phrase “Jim Dandy of a game” will again fail to enter Bartlett’s Famous Quotations.
- The Meadowlands Sports Complex will hire extra personnel to respond to all bogus Jimmy Hoffa burial tips.
- To boost ratings further next year, the NFL will announce plans to travel teams to Kabul, Afghanistan and play on a frozen goat carcass field.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who hopes Commissioner Goodell suffered at least six concussions last year to earn his $29 million.
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