Cubs GM Jed Hoyer quits over new mascot

Chicago Cubs General Manager Jed Hoyer abruptly resigned today after the team unveiled a cute caricature bear named "Clark" as team mascot.

Team president Theo Epstein was stunned by Hoyer’s exit, believing more than enough room exists in the organization for two team mascots.

“We pretty much platoon right now at every position, so I really wished Jed gave this more of a chance,” Epstein said. “He’d have seen Clark is one helluva a guy. Plus, with all the prospects advancing in our organization, it’s essential we add personnel who connect well with kids.”

Most Cubs fans sympathized with Hoyer and took to social media and sports radio shows to vent their alcohol-addled spleens over the new mascot.

“I’m sick of all the pandering to kids in this society,” said ESPN 1000 caller Chet Lipitorski, a self-described lifelong Cubs fan since the age of 12. “They get their own section on menus, specially sized aspirin, Make-A-Wish. My god, where does it all end?”

Some fans even posted video rants on YouTube. The most popular one has gone viral and features a youngish looking 40-year-old named “Ted Boyer,” who disguised himself in a handle-bar mustache and Dixieland Band uniform.

“I, for one, go to Wrigley Field to get away from mascots. I mean, really, isn’t life already filled with too many mute, high-maintenance, big-headed divas?

“For instance, the mascot at my office is a real over-peppy pain in the arse. And then there’s my commute mascot, who can be so distracting I often must issue corrected texts. And church! Jesus, my church is just chock-a-block with mascots. Each with their own individual saint day, when all I want is for my minister to just pander and assuring me of a heavenly hereafter."

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who hates how often Cubs fans put down their White Sox brethren, as the latter were the only ones to have his back at county lock-up.

Get notified by email of new FluffPost humor. Provide your address below & click “Subscribe By Email.” You can opt out any time.

Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, Pure Chicago, sports

Leave a comment