Government shutdown has even cult deprogrammers wary

As the GOP’s hostage taking of the U.S. government enters its 822nd day, cult deprogrammers nationwide announced they will no longer take cases involving deprogramming members of the GOP’s Tea Party.

“It’s gotten just too dangerous,” said Jess Baggthem, president of the Big Association of Sanity Helpers (BASH). “We feel the pain of family members concerned about their loved ones making such horrible decisions in the Tea Party. But we can’t get involved. Those guys believe in conceal-carry.”

Baggthem said at first he too wasn’t opposed to the Tea Party’s stand against anyone randomly termed “radical elite liberals,” but he now realizes the Tea Party is a zombie hot spot beyond returning to human consciousness.

“Look, I’ve snatched my share of gay men and successfully converted them with a steady diet of Hillary Swank movies and Laili Ali photos. But that’s nothing compared to bagging a Tea Party chapter president or Glenn Beck caravaner. They’ll bite and fight and take you over a cliff with them,” he said.

A too-late convert was also Senator John McCain (R-AZ), who Sunday said GOP support in polls has withered away to just “close relatives and staffers.” The irony is McCain accelerated the rise of the Tea Party by first naming Sarah Palin his vice presidential running mate in 2008 and then thinking he could control her.

“McCain is like the high school greaser who thought smoking would make him more popular but then, lo and behold, years later discovers he’s developed a run-away cancer,” said just about everyone who understands the meaning of the word “irony.”

Champagne-Urbana cult deprogrammer Rollie Wright agreed that McCain’s comments come too late.

“It’s horrible how the GOP’s government shutdown is killing once thriving small businesses like mine. Like anyone, I’ve got overhead, but car payments on windowless white vans don’t pay themselves.

“It’s like what happened with corporate lawyers in the 1990s. Some people are just beyond saving,” Wright said. “It’s a shame because I see so many people I’m dying to throw a bag over and drag into a dark cargo space. But I can’t. I’ve got a house full of unemployed recent college graduates to feed.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who wishes Lethal Weapon’s John Riggs was around to “bend a few rules” and control the GOP’s leap.

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, national news, politics

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