Chicago’s Top 10 new budget balancing ideas

After two budgets filled with hundreds of millions of dollars in tax increases, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is at it again hustling new “creative budget ideas” to plug yet another 9-figure shortfall in the city’s $8 billion budget.

Naturally off the table is any reform of the city government’s wastefulness, corruption and gold-plated pensions. But the good news is Mayor Emanuel again promises to patch the gaps with jumps in fees and permit costs all designed – he says – to affect neither the average property owner nor the city’s rich corporate class.

On the off chance that yet another unexpected budget gap appears, here are 10 other fun, creative revenue enhancements the city should consider:

  1. Electronic permit filing convenience charge. (Collected by Live Nation)
  2. Increase City Hall CoinStar change-counting fee from $1.10 cents per dollar to $1.25 centsspeed camera ad
  3. Sell advertising on Chicago Speed Camera pictures
  4. For aldermen resigning for prison, collect $100,000 “re-stocking” fee for returned security badges
  5. Establish amusement tax for people-watching at DMV
  6. Levy “Safe Passage” escort fee: $25 for 20 minutes, $50 for full hour
  7. Force City Inspector General’s office to go paperless
  8. Privatize all Chicago Public Schools blackboards
  9. Rent out unused Lake Michigan water intake cribs for pool parties
  10. Assess city’s hotel room tax to people sleeping in cars; add boat mooring charge if car is rocking

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who has come to love the simulated suburban grittiness of Mayor Daley’s 10-year-old crumbling planters.

Get notified by email of new FluffPost humor. Provide your address below & click “Subscribe By Email.” You can opt out any time.

Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, Pure Chicago, Top 10 list

Leave a comment

  • ChicagoNow is full of win

    Welcome to ChicagoNow.

    Meet our bloggers,
    post comments, or
    pitch your blog idea.

  • Advertisement:
  • Subscribe to The FluffingtonPost

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

  • Meet The Blogger

    SkitSketchJeff

    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact jeffwburdick@aol.com

  • Tags

  • Latest on ChicagoNow

  • Advertisement:
  • Fresh Chicago News