Cornholing the Cubs: Will Gov. Ricketts move team to Nebraska?

OMAHA, Neb. — As part of his second run to become Nebraska governor, Pete Ricketts – brother of Chicago Cubs owner Tom Ricketts – is rumored to have promised moving the Cubs to Omaha.

The rumor began this week after Ricketts pledged to the Omaha Chamber of Commerce to attract a third minor league baseball team to the state if elected governor. Speculation soon centered on the Chicago Cubs, which Pete’s family owns.

Said Chamber President Beau Oxley, “While the Cubs’ 25-man roster doesn’t represent the best jobs in the major leagues, they would immediately drop the unemployment rate in a small state like Nebraska by 2 percent. We’re not talking the St. Louis Cardinals here, but we should at least listen.”

Among average Nebraskans, enthusiasm for a Cubs relocation was even less lukewarm.

“If they come demanding to put in a Jumbotron, I’d pass,” said Luke Carreon of Bollweevel Glen. “Right now, nothing in Nebraska is visible from space, and we wear being the best kept secret in the universe as a badge of honor. All that changes with a Jumbotron.”

Terry Bundt of Hastings didn’t care about sports teams.

“I want to know how Ricketts will open new markets overseas for our Jello products. As far as I’m concerned, bringing carrot gelatin to Cuba would be like Nixon opening China, but with carrots,” Bundt said.
Ted Cruz Tom Ricketts
Ricketts is a member of the ultra-conservative TD Ameritrade family. Not only did the family finance a multi-million-dollar anti-Obama SuperPac, but some say brother Tom bears more than a coincidental resemblance to Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

Back in Chicago, the news miffed Mayor Rahm Emanuel so soon after thinking he’d succeeded at keeping the Cubs at Wrigley Field. However, Emanuel said he’s open to trading the Cubs to Nebraska for no less than three top creative financing prospects.

“It’s no secret we’re in major rebuilding mode in Chicago. But if we can attract some top young talent, perhaps we’ll be able to compete again by 2015,” he said. “That said, this should never deter us from bidding on Super Bowls and Olympics that we have no chance of ever winning.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who has petitioned to return Wrigleyville to its historical name “Ville of Wrigleys,” as it was known when founded as a large compound of gum-chomping polygamists.

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