Cubs Theo Epstein for U.S. President?

Cubs Theo Epstein for U.S. President?
Theo Epstein: Aspiring U.S. President or just a hyper-patriotic Cubs fan?

On Thursday, media obsession over Cubs President Theo Epstein’s recent news conference shifted from whether Manager Dale Sveum could be fired to whether Epstein might run for President of the United States.

Fueling speculation was the presidential podium and backdrop Epstein used at his Tuesday newser. So on a day when the Cubs lost for the 90th time and another veteran pitcher threw a chiché hissy fit, sports reporters naturally sought a fresh angle by reading between the lines of what Epstein did not say.

“Although no one asked him about it, we can definitively say Epstein is not on record ruling out a presidential run. Until he addresses that elephant in the room, he should expect everyone to speculate endlessly,” said professional Cubs naysayer and tea-leaf reader Gordon Wittmeyer.

Said long-time baseball Annie and syndicated columnist George Will, “It’s an intriguing possibility. Yes, the major league squad remains FUBAR, but it’s impossible to ignore the fact Epstein improved the records of most minor league Cubs affiliates.

“In terms of the 2016 electoral map, this would translate into Epstein trying to be the first candidate to take the White House while losing California and New York. It’s seems a stretch, but with sabermetrics nowadays, any argument can be supported statistically.”

Also not on record was the politically ulta-conservative Ricketts Family, who owns the Chicago Cubs and TD Ameritrade. But observers roundly speculated the Ricketts Family would enthusiastically back Epstein’s now firmly rumored ambitions.

On CSN Sports Talk Live yesterday, host David Kaplan said, “My sources say Theo is ridiculously popular among the Ricketts upper hierarchy. [Let me repeat for bombastic effect:] ridiculously popular! So as long as he’s not black nor in favor of Obamacare, he’s a shoe-in to get the Ricketts’ support in any primary.”

Before exiting the show for an angiogram, rival sports reporter David Schuster exploded in disagreement.

“How can you make such a ridiculous statement? Epstein has been signing all of these Cuban and foreign-born players. That makes him horrendous on immigration. He’s taken no position on Syria, Benghazi or the sequester,” Schuster wined. “All he can hang his hat on is some success in Boston, which scares the be-jeezus out of the GOP given their Mitt Romney experience.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who ranks Cubs Nation his 23rd most favorite banana republic just behind Trinibad & Tobago.

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Tags: fake news, Pure Chicago, sports

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