As always, The FluffingtonPost not only stays abreast of the news, we try obsessively to stay in front of those breasts. This means regularly anticipating the week in news that will be.
To assist, we again bring back The Fluff’s former horoscope writer Sedona Shelley Smythe, who unfortunately was among those blindsided by surprise staff layoffs this summer. (If only she had launched “The Week That Will Be” the week prior.) All canned food donations are appreciated.
And now . . . “The Week That Will Be #2”:
- U.S. Census: More Americans than ever will die in their lifetimes
Reversing common wisdom that Americans are less healthy than at any point in U.S. history, the Census Bureau announced not only are there more Americans than ever, but more will eventually die than ever.
Naturally Congressman Pete King (DOLT-IA) immediately took to the floor of Congress with a very different take: “This only proves that our borders are far too porous and that Obamacare won’t achieve any positive health outcomes,” Rep. King said.
- Anonymous Source: More Sensitivity Training Needed for Anonymous Sources
The Newspaper Guild of America (NGA) is close to finalizing a plan to fund special sensitivity training for sources who abuse the right to comment anonymously, said a party close to the talks who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the negotiations.The need for training came to head recently when anonymous sources were used to identify Alex Rodriguez as the anonymous source of leaks about other baseball players involved with Biogenesis. The pending agreement would be the first pact between the NGA and the Secret Hush-Hush Fraternity of Anonymous Sourcing Talents (Shh-FAST).
- Pampers, Congress partner on term-limit pilot test
Applying the same wetness-indicator technology that reveals when fouled diapers need to be changed, Pampers has announced a unique partnership with the official architect of the U.S. Capitol.“Like with stinky-doo nappies, the American voter hates needing to look closely inside Congress to see just how badly it stinks in there," said Pamper CEO Unsel Der-Garment. “We’re also testing a version to apply to John Travolta movies.”
- Starlin Castro blames mental lapse for forgetting to quit
Reflecting a difficult year for young Cubs Shortstop Starlin Castro, he admitted to having wanted on numerous occasions to quit but each time simply forgetting to tell Cubs Manager Dale Sweum.
- “It’s been a tough couple years, from leading baseball in errors and suspected of statutory rape to having a child out of wedlock and the team trading my mentor [Alfonso Soriano],” Castro said. “None of this excuses my more recent brain cramps. But tomorrow is a new day, and I’m determined to get better and remember to quit.”Moments later he added, “What were we talking about?”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who at 10 lbs, 4 ounces was born under the sign of a star glazed donut.
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