As every concussed Chicago Bears player will eventually tell you, Thursday night is their final pointless Bears preseason game of the year. Or as their future class-action personal injury lawyers will call it: Exhibit A.
They host the Cleveland Browns, but no starters will play. So like anyone who persevered through Miley Cyrus' VMA performance to glimpse the one-minute reunion of ’N Sync, fans who watch the game can deservedly feel superior to those who later jump on the proverbial band wagon. (Note: a band wagon in Green Bay land is also known as a “portable radio.”)
But Thursday’s game does not lack critical questions needing answers. Here are the 10 most pressing:
- Will rookie head coach Marc Trestman finally get comfortable and let his hair return to its natural red with amber-chestnut highlights?
- How many no-name starters will forget their team badge and not be let into Soldier Field?
- Will crowd chants of “Don’t Care” finally replace “Free Bird” for spicing up slow game moments?
- Like season ticket holders gifting their preseason tickets to the less fortunate at work, will the McCaskey’s donate their luxury-box dessert cart to sideline reporter Zach Zaidman?
- How many new Cleveland players will complain about being called a “Brown”? (As Tarantino said in Reservoir Dogs: “Mr. Brown is a little too close to Mr. Sh--.”)
- To cap J’Marcus Webb’s preseason farewell tour, will game officials halt the game in the fourth quarter to let him depart to a standing ovation?
- Will the Chicago Anti-Cruelty Society sponsor a pre-game petting zoo featuring all players on the PUP list?
- Might the NFL’s new bag ban render obsolete any chant referring to “body bags”?
- Can the Bears cut their roster down by just not returning calls until the rejected players figure it out?
- Why did the McCaskeys name only a hallway at their Lake Forest facilities after team founder George Halas and not the whole place?
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who doesn’t understand how the NFL can let anything called “sudden death” overtime end in a tie.
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