Dear Celebrity: I’m too young to be your pen pal

My first child recently turned three months, but behaviorally, he has gone straight from newborn to man of letters. I am partly to blame. On Father’s Day, I featured little Ben in a photo-gallery blog that was so popular a surprising number of well-known people began writing Benny as pen pals.

To my amazement, Benny wrote them back. Being a new father, I was ignorant about encouraging such precocity in a child. In short order, he was making all sorts of diva demands learned from these celebs. The worst was when he screamed himself into a frenzy at the sight of an M&M bowl that mixed plain and peanut. The sight of over-sexualized M&Ms also triggered tantrums. “How does that make me want to eat more candy?” he seethed at the TV. (And he had a good point.)

At this point, I needed to step in to avoid him developing child-star syndrome and skipping the high-chair stage by going straight to the personalized-director-chair stage. Benny wasn’t happy, but he eventually consented to end all correspondences with his VIP list.

See below for his 10 most delicate Dear John letters.

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