Russian authorities today revealed NSA leaker Edward Snowden has disappeared from Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport. Their best theory is he encrypted himself and slipped out via several thumb drives.
“We believe Snowden leaked himself,” said Airport Direktor of Propaganda Vasilii Nyet-Nyet. “When he arrived, he carried three Hello Kitty thumb drives. We assumed they contained NSA documents, but it now appears he planned all along to upload and smuggle himself out as a zipped file.”
Snowden has been on the lam since May 20. That’s when the former spy agency contractor shocked the U.S. intelligence community by using his spying abilities to violate their privacy.
As NSA Director General Keith Alexander said in Congressional testimony, “Didn’t see that one coming. We should probably hire a contractor to help us screen out those kinds of contractors.”
The timing of Snowden’s latest disappearance is viewed as most curious. He’s been stuck at the airport for a full month. So why leave now?
Russian technology expert Alexi Luddyte thinks Snowden possibly was waiting for Moore’s Law to kick in and provide the technological leap forward needed to digitize his physical entity.
According to Moore’s Law, computer speed and memory capacity doubles every 18 months. Just last week the airport doubled its computing power when it upgraded its sole onsite computer to a refurbished 2001 Dell desktop with Pentium III processor.
“In hindsight, we shouldn’t have let Snowden use that computer, but we had a contractor opening and his resumé was pretty impressive,” Nyet-Nyet said. “And we’re hardly the first former superpower to make that mistake.”
Airport officials said it’s hard to say where Snowden is presently. According to their FedEx logs, packages that could have included the Hello Kitty thumb drives left the airport for the Ecuadorian embassy in London and the Bolivian President’s house boat on Lake Titicaca.
They didn’t rule out his remaining in Moscow, including emailing himself as an attachment to the Russian honey trap spy Anna Chapman who recently proposed to Snowden via Twitter.
“Snowden also expressed unusual interest in the old Street Fighter II arcade game that Putin is said to obsessively play,” Nyet-Nyet said. “So it’s possible Snowden digitized and uploaded himself Tron-like to try beating Putin at his own game.”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is bummed the new royal baby isn't a hermaphrodite like half of all royal births. “Prince/ss Floribama” would have been a lovely name.
For more FluffPost coverage of Edward Snowden, see these stories:
- “Edward Snowden in Russia: 10 tarmac time-killers”
- “Eight dumb lives saved by NSA Spying”
- “NSA Branding Czar flips out over old PowerPoint templates”
- “NSA assures Tea Party: We just like to watch”
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