End of Era: Chicago politics loses its last Dick (Mell)

The Chicago City Council – which has long lacked balls – has now lost its last remaining Dick with the official retirement Wednesday of 33rd Ward Alderman Dick Mell.

Ald. Mell, who served on the City Council for 38 years, was visibly teary as Mayor Rahm Emanuel swore in his daughter Deb at this morning’s City Council Meeting to fill his office.

“I’m the last of the Mohicans,” Mell said. “There used to be Dicks as far as the eye could see around here. You couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Dick. God, now those were the days, when you could do whatever you wanted with a dead cat.”

Reportedly, Mell mounted a last-ditch effort to arrange for a worthy successor. Alderman Ricardo Munoz (22nd Ward) confirmed that Mell had probed him, but Munoz Dick Mell's Last Resortdeclined to change his first name to Dick as it doesn’t translate well in Spanish (or any language).

In choosing Mell’s replacement, Mayor Emanuel said he originally wanted to go with a real Dick, but of the 12 candidates who filed, there wasn’t a real Dick among them.

But Emanuel’s appointment of State Rep. Deb Mell – who is a white Dick-less lesbian – drew instant criticism from the Hispanic community.

They were Windy City Rollersdisappointed three Hispanic candidates were passed over to represent the 40-percent Hispanic Ward. This included Elizabeth Gomez, who is a veteran of the Windy City Rollers and skated under the name “Juanna Rumbel.”

Deb Mell said she hopes to win her critics over in time.

“I may not have been the most representative choice for this Ward, but Hispanics should trust I’m doing everything to familiarize myself with their culture and interests. For instance, I’m quickly becoming an aficionado of Mixed Martial Arts and love all the hot Hispanic domestics on that new Eva Longoria TV show Devious Maids.

“So with time, I’m sure they will find me as dependable a vote for whatever their issues are as I am on LGBT issues,” she said.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who skates with the male Windy City Rollers under the name Cock Blocker.

Get notified by email of new FluffPost humor. Provide your address below & click “Subscribe By Email.” You can opt out any time.

Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, Pure Chicago, Rahm Emanuel


Leave a comment