NSA Branding Czar goes ‘ape sh*!’ over release of old PowerPoint templates

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Disclosure of two highly classified NSA surveillance programs has unleashed a tsunami of Beltway anger, recriminations and finger pointing not seen since the final days of the 2008 McCain-Palin campaign.

But no one was more livid at the publishing of four top-secret internal PowerPoint slides than NSA Branding Czar Jessica Blythe-Moore.

“Seeing those classified slides in public was an abomination, especially since they feature a PowerPoint template I personally decommissioned more than three years ago,” said Blythe-Moore, a 22-year NSA veteran. “I’ve said it a thousand times: We’ll never have integrity as an organization until we have brand integrity.

Although not authorized to publicly discuss any NSA business, the scandal so outraged her she said she felt compelled to openly speak truth to power.

“I weathered the intelligence failures of 9/11 and Clinton using our executive conference room as a personal pied-a-terre for afternoon delights, but I’ve never been more disappointed in my government than now,” she said. “This is a wake-up call. It reminds us how a bad branding decision by just one employee can make the whole agency look silly and out-of-control.”

According to Blythe-Moore, the 41-slide presentation leaked by former NSA analyst Edward Snowden violates 13 current brand standards. This includes omission of a mandated 5-point Sedona Red rule line and use of an antiquated operations logo. (The new one has “a more determined eagle and a 1-point black border that makes the colors really pop.”)

NSA Prism powerpoint title page
Even more outrageous, the logo for the PRISM internet surveillance program – which critics contend violates constitutionally guarded civil liberties – also violated key design best practices.

“Everyone should know no logo can be larger than the ‘Special Source Operations’ logo in the upper left. Plus, it’s verboten to place it in the header area. So that PRISM logo should have been shrunk and moved to the lower right,” she said.

“It’s exasperating. I did a yearlong change-management rollout of the new templates, and my 120-minute NSA PRISM powerpoint detailtutorial video is still on our Intranet,” Blythe-Moore said, hugging her thick branding binder to her chest. “Public fiascos like this could be prevented if every one just let me review their final presentations, but no one has the guts to increase my security clearance.”

Congress has launched multiple probes into the spying scandal, and Blythe-Moore said she will launch her own investigation to discover and remove all old templates from department hardware.

“At first, I didn’t condone what Edward Snowden did, but now that I’m a whistle blower too, it actually feels pretty good,” she said. “After all, where are we as a highly secretive public agency, if I can’t be a proud brand ambassador for it?”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who suffers from branding PTSD after losing twin brothers during the Cola Wars.

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