President Obama continues defending NSA surveillance of Americans’ phone and Internet activities on the grounds the programs “save lives.” However, the Administration remains largely mum on specific examples, making it impossible to judge whether the lives saved were really worth it.
But in a news exclusive, The FluffingtonPost has secured the classified files of the so-called “NSA 8” – eight individuals allegedly saved through NSA programming. So you determine whether they justify the cost and slippery-slope rationale of “just trust me” government surveillance.
- Channing Flaxxid, unemployed, 31. Channing’s romantic life was in a rut, so why not try “unlocking the secrets of testosterone” via the “Super Smoothie Boner Revolution” – as the email advertisement put it – for a non-recurring start-up fee of $49.95 and $19.95 a month thereafter. But to his good fortune, the NSA was monitoring his electronic communications and interceded before Channing experienced a fatal allergic reaction to unlabeled lactose.
- Azalea Munster, housewife, 42. She came under suspicion by her husband Lester Munster, who is also an NSA senior supervisor. He fell into a jealous spiral when he learned of her daily disappearances from 9 to 11 a.m. Fortunately, friendly NSA surveillance quieted his rage when email records showed Azalea secretly taking zumba classes to surprise her husband with her “new body.”
- Ruprecht Günter-Gassey, mathematics Ph.D. student, 28. Attending Oberlin College on a student visa, this German nearly flubbed into a deadly international incident when he forgot to get a Valentine’s gift for his sexually adventurous but emotionally tempestuous American girlfriend. But fortunately the NSA had flagged him for routine surveillance as a foreign national and ordered for him a last-minute, size-10 Hoodie-Footie pajama set from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company.
- Peter Ryan, electrician apprentice candidate, 23. The only living son of Bea and Less Ryan of Secaucus, N.J. Each of his three older brothers passed away in a different Darwin Award-winning manner. Working pro bono, the NSA calls this their “Saving Private Ryan” case and devoted three analysts to his protection. These efforts intensified last fall when Peter separately enrolled in an electrical utility’s apprentice program and booked a six-night Carnival Cruise “to nowhere.”
- Chip Motheson, 9th grader at Holy Acorns Academy for Boys. Chip is the last dues-paying Boy Scout at his high school, and the NSA saved him from social suicide by permanently blocking his Instagram account. This occurred just before Chip sent the entire freshman class a picture of himself with his third-place-winning soapbox car and the hopelessly out-of-date meme: “Yeah biatches. This is how I roll.”
- Lizette Lummings, retired on disability, 51. Wishing to spruce up and end the loneliness of her empty nest, this former Walmart greeter became fascinated by a “low-cost” student exchange program she found online that included investing in “salvaged” Afghan secular art. But NSA surveillance of an Abu Dhabi-based spammer ultimately prevented her identity theft and saved $58,000 in enrollment and art adoption fees.
- Rodney Flukes, toll booth attendant, 36. This Chicago native can see his Skyway toll booth from his Calumet Heights apartment, but due to a permanently suspended license, he commuted 24 miles roundtrip by bicycle, including half along the dangerous tollway shoulder. NSA became aware of his unusual movements through his “Flukes Commutes” blog and intensive satellite confirmation. Through a mysterious “benefactor,” his risky biking days ended with the establishment a new one-person van shuttle for Flukes.
- Gertude Holsteinn, NSA senior clerk Grade VII, 43. While a junior clerk in the FBI’s forensic laboratories, Gertie’s attitude nose-dived when re-assigned to a new 29-year-old productivity hotshot. Desperate to get away from her gung-ho new supervisor and out of a “dead end” job, she transferred to the NSA. Now all of her clerk work is classified and beyond Six Sigma scrutiny. “The NSA saved my life. It really did,” she said.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is producing the new Sunday night CBS drama “Touched by an NSA Angel.” Coming this fall!
For more FluffPost coverage of the NSA, see these stories:
- “Great Escape: Edward Snowden leaks himself”
- “10 Moscow Airport Time-Killers for Edward Snowden”
- “NSA Branding Czar flips out over old PowerPoint templates”
- “NSA assures Tea Party: We just like to watch”
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