NSA assures Tea Party: “We just like to watch”

Following disclosure of a vast U.S. program that spies on hundreds of millions of calls by its own citizens, Tea Party activists urged caution before voters turn on the government via any partially informed grassroot movements.

Last week, Tea Party leaders gave tearful, alarmist testimony during Congressional hearings investigating the IRS. They warned of an out-of-control Big Brother entity poised to destroy American liberty. But this week, Tea Party leaders saw no connection between their hassles applying for tax-exempt status and the NSA’s unilateral surveillance of most Americans.

“Apples and oranges,” said Becky Gerritson, the president of the Wetumpka, Ala. Tea Party. “Last week, I cried about partisan efforts to target my group and help Obama. The IRS also forced us to fill out a lot of annoying paperwork. But the NSA program is completely non-partisan, seems pretty paperless from our end, and is hurting Obama. So I’m a big fan.”

Other critics of the NSA program questioned how the agency could successfully comb through such a huge amount of data to flag terror threats. Especially as even the Boston Marathon bombers slipped through the cracks despite being flagged by the Russian government for investigation.

An NSA spokesperson disputed this. He spoke on condition of anonymity to protect his privacy. He also said too many of his ex-girlfriends regularly Google news stories about him and post snarky comments about his being a creepy-clingy, jealous, control freak.

“Admittedly this program is impossible to administer were American Idol still at peak popularity, but ever since Keith Urban became the most popular judge by default, everyone in our server room sleeps like lambs,” he said.

He noted the program is able to filter out a large amount of calls that aren’t worth monitoring. These include:

  • All customer complaints to cable companies;
  • Any calls from the 62,000 marketing companies responsible for creation of the national Do Not Call List;
  • All calls to or from Fortune 500 companies, who of course pose absolutely no threat to the American Way of Life; and
  • The 22 calls and 64 texts per day from Mildred Sikorsky of Schenectady, N.Y., to her college freshman son Oscar.

Full disclosure: Some phone numbers on the NSA surveillance list were submitted by news outlets. For instance, The FluffingtonPost requested adding 76-year-old Gladys Herringstalk, who continues to argumentatively call our Letters-to-the-Editor editor (instead of just sending him a letter like the rest of our readers).

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who was recently dropped as a “person of interest” when found to be agonizingly, painfully boring.

For more FluffPost coverage of the NSA, see these stories:

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, national news

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    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact jeffwburdick@aol.com

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