The Week That Will Be – in Jokes

Daily newspapers are shadows of their former glory. So The FluffingtonPost proudly beta-tests a radical change in newspapering. Instead of chronicling yesterday’s news, we’ll attempt to predict the news of next week.

If successful, this could not only save journalism as we never knew it, but spare laying off our former horoscope writer Sedona Shelley Smythe (née Shillingsworth, née Menieres, née Smith). Here is her inaugural news forecast:

  • Dennis Rodman kicks off peace mission to Moscow Airport
  • Freelance envoy and NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman dispatched himself to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin and help “that NSA leaker dude” Edward Snowden stuck in airport limbo.

    Said Rodman: “If I can convince Putin to give Snowden a Barcolounger and me a six-figure stipend, I’ll consider my peace mission a success.” The trip also coincides with the release of Rodman’s latest e-book, “A Bankrupt Gambler’s Guide to International Travel.”

  • Twinkees’ return starts healing process for Paula Deen fans
  • Having seen their efforts fizzle to save Paula Deen’s TV show, Deen’s amply-sized fans have rallied their glucose-enriched spirits by focusing on the July 15 return of the Twinkee.

    This included Paul Deen Fan Club president Peggy Plüsyze, who is camped outside a Tupelo, Mississippi Piggly Wiggly to be the first to buy that “grand wizard of white-centered beau hunks.”

  • Mayor Emanuel adds unneeded insult to deliberate injury
  • Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called into the ____ morning radio program to bitterly curse about _____, who he recently angered by laying off more than ____ without public debate.

    “Why do you give a platform to a bunch of _____s and ____s [expletives deleted]? But that’s the mass media for you,” the mayor bullied. “You’re only interested in two-sided controversy that distracts from my unilateral efforts to transform Chicago into a world-class democracy. You’re ____ pathetic.”

    [end template]

  • Parade-addicted fans plan citywide celebration of Garza trade
  • Everyone loves a parade, and spoiled by the Chicago Blackhawks championship, Chicago sports fans have been left grasping at the city’s remaining professional sports dregs to continue the high.

    That opportunity came when the Cubs traded their facsimile ace Matt Garza to the Newark Bears of the Atlantic Independent League for future considerations. The trade followed a recurrence of upper body stiffness that returned Garza to the Disabled List. The parade route is still being developed but is expected to end at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago.

    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who aspires to one day be a futurist.

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