Edward Snowden in Russia: 10 tarmac time-killers

Edward Snowden gives new meaning to the phrase “fleeing from justice.” In the 2½ weeks since outing himself as an NSA leaker, he slummed it for several days in a luxury Hong Kong hotel, then probably crashed on the futon of a Chinese online gaming buddy, and is now impersonating a college backpacker who lost his passport at Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport.

He’s no doubt already found (and quickly exhausted) all the Goldschlager and English-language VHS tapes in the Aeroflot Executive Lounge. (Don’t miss that updated Sean Penn espionage classic: The Falcon and the Snowden). But having fallen even more gullibly than James Bond into the clutches of a Russian villain, Snowden may be looking for fresh options to kill his time in limbo. Here are our 10 best ideas:

  1. Request conjugal visit from Maria Sharapova
  2. Get online, pull a Red Bull all-nighter, and leak everywhere
  3. Open Moscow tarmac office for Booz Allen Hamilton
  4. Start hunger strike to free Pussy Riot
  5. Stock up on Russian knock-offs at insanely low duty-free prices
  6. Enjoy airport’s latest copy of American Way Magazine (March 1997)
  7. Negotiate with Putin a transfer to the Russian region that most resembles Hawaii
  8. Apply to update waiting lounge section of Lonely Planet Moscow Airport
  9. Ask Russian baggage handlers what happened to his collection of Asian Fever and Barely Legal magazines
  10. To avoid COD costs, pick up mail-order bride for Julian Assange

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who hopes the July 15 return of Twinkees will start the healing process for Paula Deen fans.

For more FluffPost coverage of the NSA, see these stories:

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    SkitSketchJeff

    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact jeffwburdick@aol.com

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