The Chicago Blackhawks’ Stanley Cup ambitions were dealt a serious blow Monday night. The Boston Bruins won 2-0 to take a 2 games to 1 lead in the best of 7 series. Here are 10 adjustments Blackhawks Head Coach Joel Quenneville must implement before Wednesday’s game to avoid becoming the second coming of the 1945 Chicago Cubs.
- Change your first name to Tuukku or Zdeno. “Joel” is just too weak-ass to keep the boys’ attention.
- Play “Dumb Ways to Die” song in endless loop on team bus and in locker room between periods.
- For Game 4, chuck an actual slaughtered brown Bruin bear onto rink. Then have your team take ice with blood smeared all over them.
- Order Goalie Corey Crawford to morph into an all-powerful werewolf like he did in those Twilight movies.
- Take Boston fans out of Game 4 by signing Tim Tebow to a one-game contract without specifying what position he will play.
- Replace unproductive Jonathan Toews’ line with Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie from the CW’s all-new “Whose Line is It Anyways?”
- In slow, clear Canadian-accented words, remind everyone the point of a “Power Play.”
- Motivate Patrick Kane by telling him he’s playing exactly how everyone expects someone with a pre-pubescent red beard to play.
- Leak rumor you might step aside immediately to allow for Ozzie Guillen’s graceful return to Chicago management.
- Firmly tell team GM Stan Bowman to stop mouth breathing over your shoulder during practices.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who wonders why the Blackhawks’ All-Star creative accountants have been playoff no-shows.
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