Blackhawks Down: 10 quick & funny Game 4 adjustments

The Chicago Blackhawks’ Stanley Cup ambitions were dealt a serious blow Monday night. The Boston Bruins won 2-0 to take a 2 games to 1 lead in the best of 7 series. Here are 10 adjustments Blackhawks Head Coach Joel Quenneville must implement before Wednesday’s game to avoid becoming the second coming of the 1945 Chicago Cubs.

  1. Change your first name to Tuukku or Zdeno. “Joel” is just too weak-ass to keep the boys’ attention.
  2. Play “Dumb Ways to Die” song in endless loop on team bus and in locker room between periods.
  3. For Game 4, chuck an actual slaughtered brown Bruin bear onto rink. Then have your team take ice with blood smeared all over them.
  4. Corey Crwford Taylor LautnerOrder Goalie Corey Crawford to morph into an all-powerful werewolf like he did in those Twilight movies.
  5. Take Boston fans out of Game 4 by signing Tim Tebow to a one-game contract without specifying what position he will play.
  6. Replace unproductive Jonathan Toews’ line with Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie from the CW’s all-new “Whose Line is It Anyways?”
  7. In slow, clear Canadian-accented words, remind everyone the point of a “Power Play.”
  8. Motivate Patrick Kane by telling him he’s playing exactly how everyone expects someone with a pre-pubescent red beard to play.
  9. Leak rumor you might step aside immediately to allow for Ozzie Guillen’s graceful return to Chicago management.
  10. Firmly tell team GM Stan Bowman to stop mouth breathing over your shoulder during practices.

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SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who wonders why the Blackhawks’ All-Star creative accountants have been playoff no-shows.

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: sports, Top 10 list

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