Post-Cinco de Mayo, U.S. Alcoholics Look Ahead to Chechen Independence Day

As biodegrading landfill agents do their magic on cheap Cinco de Mayo sombreros, the nation’s 14 million alcoholics have turned their attention to the next great foreign holiday appropriated for American insobriety: Chechen Independence Day.

The good news for culturally inappropriate revelers is they need only wait six days for the next great drinking holiday. For each May 12 marks the celebration of that glorious day in 1997 when Chechen-elected president Aslan Maskhadov and Russian President Boris Yeltsin signed a formal treaty to alleviate violent tensions between Moscow and the Chechen capital of Grozny.

“Technically, the treaty didn’t establish an independent Chechnya,” said longtime Wrigleyville reveler Wayne “The Funnel King” Spewcher. “But we’re desperate for something to bridge the gap between now and the Memorial Day kickoff of summer back-porch keg season.”

America’s drinking holidays have proven a boon for t-shirt, spirits and plastic bead necklace makers nationwide. Some economists estimate this represents a $2.3 trillion business that employs a member of at least one in every five American households.

But despite the desperate need for American-based jobs during the prolonged recession, some party poopers recommend exporting the intoxicated joy elsewhere.

“For a nation so ignorant of other countries, America’s embrace of any foreign holiday as an excuse to get snookered is alternately offensive and madding,” said Anti-Foreign Defamation League (AFDL) founder Astrid bin O’Wong. “Most of these nations would prefer an association with something more decorous than a spike in drunk dialing and car air freshner sales.”

Canadian Ambassador to the U.S. Gary Doer acknowledged some reflexive national disappointment for its national holidays being overlooked. He still doesn’t understand why American alcoholics haven’t embraced Canada’s Victoria Day on May 20 as enthusiastically as Canadian alcoholics.

“Exports of Molsen and Canadian Club whiskey are down the last few years and could use a shot in the arm,” Doer said. “But we’ve come to view the slight as a bit of a compliment. After all, we aren’t a Third World country like Mexico and Ireland.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who hates Canada for changing its provinces and territories from the five on the Risk game board.

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