March Madness has swept Vatican City, but despite hourly rumors of a new Pope, the 115 Cardinals remain sealed in the Sistine Chapel playing strip Twister. Thus the hordes of reporters have little to do other than re-explain how a group-think process by enabling pederasts still reflects the “Will of God.” But here are the Top 10 news bits that have dribbled out:
- Vatican campaign rules are very similar to student council races: A $100 spending limit and no taping posters to the walls of the Sistine Chapel.
- According to the Vegas betting line, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi remains the front runner. He is rich, lascivious and loves wearing robes — a match made in Conclave heaven.
- The white smoke seen coming from the Vatican Tuesday night was a false alarm. It was just the Conclave venting excess amyl nitrate from a long day of partying.
- Leaked results from the first round of papal voting showed a “shirtless Sean Lowe” from the TV show The Bachelor placed third... just ahead of “Sean Lowe in a mesh shirt.”
- Despite many fundamental differences, consensus has been reached on at least one election issue: No Jews.
- As of midnight, the Cardinals remain in Conclave lockdown, but they have requested their night robes, more lotion and a VHS copy of Heaven Help Us.
- Another first ballot surprise: 10% of Catholic Cardinals voted for no Papal candidates due to widespread concerns about performance enhancing drugs
- Although deadlocked on a new pope, the Cardinals agreed to waive the age restriction for the Vienna Boys Choir and make Justin Bieber an honorary member.
- NBC’s TripleCast coverage continues to get rave reviews. By popular acclaim, Bob Costas’s cantankerous wryness is even more spot on than during the London Olympics.
- The Cardinals also tabled a complaint from God that the “direct line to Him” has gone unanswered for more than two weeks.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who as a Chicago altar boy was named “Church Organ” a then-record three years in a row.
For more Papal Top 10s, enjoy these recent postings:
- 10 Real Reasons Pope Benedict XVI Resigned
- Top 10 things Pope Benedict will miss on retirement (Photo Gallery)
Get notified by email of new FluffPost humor. Provide your address below & click “Subscribe By Email.” You can opt out any time.