Pope Watch 2013: ‘Up All Night’ Vatican Edition

March Madness has swept Vatican City, but despite hourly rumors of a new Pope, the 115 Cardinals remain sealed in the Sistine Chapel playing strip Twister. Thus the hordes of reporters have little to do other than re-explain how a group-think process by enabling pederasts still reflects the “Will of God.” But here are the Top 10 news bits that have dribbled out:

  1. Vatican campaign rules are very similar to student council races: A $100 spending limit and no taping posters to the walls of the Sistine Chapel.
  2. According to the Vegas betting line, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi remains the front runner. He is rich, lascivious and loves wearing robes — a match made in Conclave heaven.
  3. The white smoke seen coming from the Vatican Tuesday night was a false alarm. It was just the Conclave venting excess amyl nitrate from a long day of partying.
  4. Leaked results from the first round of papal voting showed a “shirtless Sean Lowe” from the TV show The Bachelor placed third... just ahead of “Sean Lowe in a mesh shirt.”
  5. Despite many fundamental differences, consensus has been reached on at least one election issue: No Jews.
  6. As of midnight, the Cardinals remain in Conclave lockdown, but they have requested their night robes, more lotion and a VHS copy of Heaven Help Us.
  7. Another first ballot surprise: 10% of Catholic Cardinals voted for no Papal candidates due to widespread concerns about performance enhancing drugs
  8. Although deadlocked on a new pope, the Cardinals agreed to waive the age restriction for the Vienna Boys Choir and make Justin Bieber an honorary member.
  9. NBC’s TripleCast coverage continues to get rave reviews. By popular acclaim, Bob Costas’s cantankerous wryness is even more spot on than during the London Olympics.
  10. The Cardinals also tabled a complaint from God that the “direct line to Him” has gone unanswered for more than two weeks.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who as a Chicago altar boy was named “Church Organ” a then-record three years in a row.

For more Papal Top 10s, enjoy these recent postings:

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, international, Top 10 list

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