Cubs fans: With Opening Day around the corner, can anyone confirm if we’ve set a record for the earliest date when Cubs Nation unanimously intones “What Until Next Season”? But Bill Veeck taught us even bad baseball can be fun with the right promotions. So here are the 10 best 2013 Cubs promotions:
Monday, April 8: Rosemont Rendering Ribbon Cutting – The Cubs unveil actual-size renderings of the Rosemont Stadium design and display them throughout the season on back fencing of the bleachers. Ownership apologizes for any inconvenience caused to rooftop owners and their guests.
Thursday, April 18: Goodfellas Day – The Cubs are all about honoring tradition. To honor Illinois’ unmatched political traditions, the first 100 high-ranking officials from Chicago, Rosemont and Springfield will receive checks of undisclosed amounts. Elected officials from Cicero can also take a turn in the money-grabbing Shake Down Machine on the west concourse.
Saturday, May 4: 2003 Cubs 10-Year Reunion – In honor of Heimlich Maneuver Awareness Day and Dusty Baker being in town, the Cubs will fete the 2003 NL Central Champions. The team fell five outs short of the World Series, and although time is said to heal all wounds, the reunion was moved to a private room at Maggiano’s downtown.
June 21: Sex Crime Awareness Day – In honor of the Cubs’ 2013 slogan “Committed,” the first 23 members of the Cubs roster will receive a copy of the Illinois handbook on sexual crimes and sentencing. Starlin Castro and Carlos Marmol will also personally sign copies for $25.95. All proceeds go to a non-profit fund set up by the Ricketts to research new revenue streams.
Monday July 1: Half-Way to Next Year Day – Not as creative as the White Sox’s annual “Half Way to St. Pat’s Day,” but the day also marks the final month before the July 31 trading deadline. Cubs fans have come to refer to this period as “Lent” – a time of waiting until the team is dead, buried and reborn into something more hopeful.
Saturday, July 13: Captain Morgan Day – In honor of the only Wrigley Field statue not associated with Cubs failure, the team will close down Sheffield Avenue, and legendary former Cubs drinker Mark Grace will host a besotted day of intoxication (also known as a “city street fair”). The next day, the Captain Morgan and Harry Caray statues travel to the Smithsonian for an exhibit about the lovable side of problem drinking in America.
Sunday Aug. 4: Starlin Castro Bobble Head & Hands Day – The Elias Sports Bureau predicts with 85% reliability Starlin Castro will commit the 100th error of his career on this date. This will make Starlin the fastest Cubs player to 100 errors. The first 10,000 fans receive a commemorative bobble statue, and one of 500 fans behind the first-base dugout have a chance of catching the history-making error.
Monday, Sept. 2: Krazy Kane Krystal Meth Night (a.k.a. “Harvest Fest”) – Road trip it to Geneva, Ill., and help the Cubs’ minor-league affiliate the Kane County Cougars celebrate their county’s No. 1 cash crop. Kids can enjoy hands-on science exhibits in the mobile labs outside the stadium. Plus after the game, the cast of Breaking Bad will sign autographs for any fans not slumped over in a narcotic coma.
Sunday, Sept. 8: Cubs Chest Protector Backpack Day – This is an actual giveaway and perhaps the most anatomically beguiling Cubs happening since six-finger Cubs closer Antonio “El Pulpo” Alfonseca. No word if the Cubs will reimburse Little League catchers who suffer chest bruising while wearing the backpack in games.
Wednesday, Sept. 25: Fan Appreciation Day – Yes, the word “fan” is singular for a reason. By this point in the season, the Cubs will have clinched their fifth consecutive 5th place finish in the NL Central, and Cubs marketing gurus will unveil the team’s 2014 team slogan: “Consistency.”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who advises disgruntled Cubs fans to use the same strategy he applies to the Illinois Lottery: “You can’t lose if you don’t play.”
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