When Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation, the news circled the globe faster than it takes an old Pontiff to Tweet “Veni. Vidi. Recessi.” (“I came. I saw. I retired.”) Initial reports cited declining health, but here are the 10 real reasons he’s putting himself out to stud:
- Wishes to spend more time with the family
- The pressure to enact one commonsense change a century has really become a younger man’s game
- Found it impossible to Tweet in German in 140 characters or less
- Detested both of his Vatican nicknames: Pope Bennie and Pope Dict
- Couldn’t find a good Chicken Parm sandwich with sauerkraut anywhere in Rome
- Wants to work his bucket list down by filming an “I’m going to Disney World” commercial
- Still felt like only a middle man for God
- Exasperated he couldn’t get the Church to raise its age of sexual consent to 12
- Didn’t realize Papal Infallibility meant being surrounded by so many yes men
- Hopes to take a short break and then emerge from retirement with the Washington Wizards
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who recently placed all of his old altar boy pageant sashes on eBay.
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