On Wednesday, comic book aficionado and sometime Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-IL) pled guilty to conspiracy for misusing the most campaign cash in history. Per his plea agreement, he did not wear his Batman belt buckle in court; however, he did his quote his favorite millionaire-scion hero.
“As Bruce Wayne said in The Dark Knight, ‘You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain’,” he said. “But I guess I assumed I’d always get the chance to just disappear in a cloud of smoke. My biggest regret is not spending some of that money on a smoke bomb and magic lessons.”
According to federal prosecutors, Jackson Jr. and his wife lavished themselves with $750,000 in luxury items ranging from fur coats to mounted Elk heads to a five-day holistic retreat on Martha’s Vineyard. He also spent a reported $17,000 on tobacco products (and another $12,000 on dental whitening).
Other expenditures underscored Jackson Jr’s reputation as the whitest member of the Congressional Black Caucus. This included trips to Disney World, an Eddie Van Halen guitar, gifts for his white mistress, and $300 for a Build-a-Bear workshop – which coincidentally is the job he wants assigned in prison.
Despite flunking his freshman year of high school, Jackson Jr. was still bright enough to be considered for a time a shining light in the Democratic Party. He also received his master’s degree from the Chicago Theological Seminary – which was on full display when he begged the court’s forgiveness for committing the most unethical campaign cash violations in U.S. history.
“Hard time will be tough on Junior, but the good news is whichever federal facility the court assigns, he’s sure to know at least a few convicted Illinois politicians there,” said Jackson Jr.’s attorney, Reid Weingarten.
Weingarten added that Jackson Jr. continues to suffer serious health issues, especially depression. For this reason, Jackson Jr. has already petitioned for a weekend pass in July to attend the 2013 Comic-Con International Convention in San Diego.
“You’ve heard of medicinal marijuana, right?” Weingarten said. “This is medicinal nerd-juana.”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who recently learned that Rev. Jesse Jackson Jr.’s famous chant – “Keep Hope Alive” – actually referred to secret child fathered out of wedlock who was named Hope.
For more Jesse Jr. humor, see these past posts:
- Illinois politicians give thanks for not being Jesse Jackson Junior
- Jesse Jr. returns to Mayo after Chicago Bears loss
- What is ‘bi-polling disorder’? And why is Jesse Jr. relapsing?
- Is the Mayo Clinic too white for Jesse Jr.?
- Might Voters Forgive Jesse Jackson Jr. if he’s Bruce Wayne?
- A Prayer for Jesse Jackson Jr.
- Heaven’s Response(!) to “A Prayer for Jesse Jackson Jr.”
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