The last five rank-and-file Republicans who don’t agree that the GOP needs to stop being “the stupid party” today held a news conference to reaffirm the party’s commitment to extreme conservativism.
Despite pressure from 99% of the party, the quintet defended their right to hold the party hostage. Due to arcane GOP rules, not even the most extreme party planks can be changed without 100% consensus. This includes support for consensual rape, 100-round ammo clips dubbed “after-school specials,” a ban on popular science magazines, not compromising on gridlock, and nominating Tom Selleck for the next 14 Presidential Medals of Freedom.
These last five rank-and-file Republicans were joined by House Speaker John Boehner, who served as their official spokesperson. (Boehner’s office would not return calls to confirm whether he agrees or disagrees with the five remaining rank-and-file Republicans.)
“The GOP rules are clear. We can’t change anything unless we achieve a 100% consensus,” Boehner said. “But I'm fine with that. When I became House Speaker, I pledged to never twist any arms or impose any of my private views on anyone. I am proud to have been as unwavering to this pledge as the GOP has been to its 50-year-old platform.”
When reporters questioned this wisdom given that this platform has lost the party the last two presidential elections, Rep. Steve “Whitey” Zoeller (R-GA) took the microphone.
“That’s completely reckless conjecture. The indisputable fact is neither Mitt Romney nor John McCain truly believed in orthodox conservative principles. If they had, all five of us are convinced they would have won easily. So to say conservative principles are unpopular with voters is another shameless lie perpetuated by the liberal elitist news media,” Zoeller said. “Shame on you.”
The last five rank-and-file Republicans then tried to show they weren’t without fresh ideas and unveiled their new plan for attracting women and Latino voters. Under their plan, all Tuesday Republican Fundraisers will now be billed as “Latinos & Ladies Nights,” and any woman and Hispanic with a valid identification card will receive free admission and two free drink tickets.
In addition, any woman who participates in the weekly wet hair-shirt contest can receive up to four free drink tickets.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is personally saddened Hillary Clinton’s “crazy cat lady” hairstyle will soon be relegated to the dustbin of history.
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