Work offices are much like watering holes on the savannah: a gathering place for those with no more in common than the need for regular hydration. Yet a pushy minority continually organizes holiday parties that force us to spend even more time with these 10 indelible yulefide types:
10. The Lets-Do-An-Ugly-Christmas-Sweater-Contest Lady
You know the type… She’s either a failed school teacher or a plump, grown-up former Teen Beat subscriber. She’s also ignorant of how few sweaters people actually own any more due to global warming – which would help blunt her sublimated anger toward the non-participants.
9. The Look-at-Me-Holiday-Curmudgeon Gay
He couldn’t resent more all the attention Ugly-Christmas-Sweater-Contest Lady gets. To steal some of it back, he creates a yuletide-long fake drama posing as a holiday-hating Scrooge. The storyline ends happily when he finally “caves” and wins the Christmas sweater contest for a third year in a row.
8. The Indolent Tech Support Guy With Music Skills
Why are we always surprised when the most brooding and least productive male staffers have hidden music talents? It’s as if the same guidance counselor hipped them all to the importance of having at least one redeeming personality trait to keep their jobs.
7. The Holidays-Are-For-Headwear HR Manager
No matter the holiday, this one has a plastic headband for it with a couple festively springy attennae. It’s a harmless trademark – unless you’re her husband who has lost two storage drawers to that crap.
6. The Bravely-Hanging-On Karaoke Singer
Holidays are extra hard on her. In the last year, she divorced a stay-at-home online gamer, and sensitivity to dander means she spends most of her free time vacuuming up after her cats. But the gal can whale. So Mr. Karaoke Operator, queue up the Adele and put Gloria Gaynor in the on-deck circle.
5. The Slick-Holiday-Hookup Guy
You won't see him at an office festivity without his signature straw fedora or Kangol pub cap. He’s also expert at putting out last-call feelers with tongue-in-cheek renditions of “Ladies Night” or “Sexual Healing.”
4. That Twitchy-Early-Exiting Executive
Around his employees, he’s as comfortable as a federally protected witness at a high school reunion. This explains why he always arrives late to the office party, fakes shock at reductions to this year’s party budget, and leaves well before any over-served employees get the courage up to confront him.
3. The Philanthropic-Blue-Jean Organizer
“Thinking of one’s fellow man” gets no lazier than charging co-workers to wear easy-fit denim. And don’t try telling organizers that the term “dress jeans” is oxymoronic – as vocabulary building is a third-year elective at most community colleges.
2. The Upwardly-Obsessed-Brown-Nosing Guy
He secretly thinks that antiquated gold wristwatch makes him executive material, never shows up at the party until VPs start slipping in, and was last seen complementing the CEO for adding “bleeding-edge sustainability” to the corporate mission statement.
1. The Do-You-Think-They’ll-Let-Us-Go-Early Clock Watcher
And why wouldn’t they let us go early? They let us go early every year. Stop already with the “Do you think they’ll let us go” whine. I promise you’ll get to battle that same traffic home two hours earlier.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who actually thinks the most magical time of the year is October – which is National Magic Month. For more holiday humor, enjoy:
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