When I see inspirational quotes littering my Twitter and Facebook walls from people who are obviously just hanging on, I prefer to blame those charlatan aphorisms for skewing expectations. After all, inspiration without honesty is just what Wall Street calls an “Annual Shareholder Report.” So for those inspired by brazenly honest epidurals of reality, suck on the following Top 10 list like it was the world’s best Turbo Rocket Adrenaline Popsicle ever.
1.) That which doesn’t make you stronger is probably killing you.
2.) There are no insurmountable problems, just a big bunch of problem-making quitters.
3.) If you work in an office cubicle, don’t take it the wrong way. It’s just your boss saying “you’re not worth any more space” and “I don’t trust you.” Nothing more, nothing less.
4.) That pain of failure you feel is every cell in your body cursing the universe for getting stuck with the worst quarterback ever.
5.) When you eat junk food, placate yourself knowing that when the hungry aliens come, yes, they will target the obese first. But then they’ll absolutely crave food snobs lightly fattened with foie gras.
6.) God’s gift of “free will” was a lot like when Paul Sorvino in Goodfellas gave Ray Liotta $3,200 and said “Now I gotta turn my back on you.”
7.) A family funeral is the universe’s way of saying you don’t even control who you must mourn with.
8.) Everyone is talking behind your back. Yeah, pretty much everyone.
9.) Remember that best friend from grade school who went on to way better things? She rarely, if ever, thinks about you.
10.) You know how so much of what we once obsessed and fretted over seems in hindsight a huge waste of time? That’s life.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who finds Chicken Soup for the Soul a bit too brothy – especially when a good Crab Bisque for the Brain is on the menu.
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