Everyone hates a pompous lecture – unless you’re giving it and your audience has to listen. (I.e. small children, workers with uncertain job security, the uglier person in a couple). But even a semi-tolerable lecturer can sink faster than the proverbial hobo if inexpert at counting off his main points.
So take your enumerating skills from sucky to skull-jarring by following these 10 titanic tips:
1.) Never say “let me spell it out for you” and then start with “number one.”
b.) If any item requires jabbing an index finger into someone’s sternum, lead with that. It’s the perfect No. 1.
Tres.) Never count off in Spanish and then expound in English. It’s a douche move and you know it.
__.) Don’t accidentally skip or repeat a number. People will think you’re either an idiot or, worse, a Texas governor.
5.) If you have a prosthetic hand, refrain from counting off on your fingers. Way too distracting.
5.) If you have real hands, always start a “hand count” with your thumb. Never a middle digit.
7.) Avoid enumerating in front of royalty. They’ll demand to sleep with someone very close to you.
Last.) Don’t go cute by throwing in a thrice, pi or refer to 5 as a nickle. The biggest dick in the room will always call you on it.
9.) At some point, precede at least one number with the motivational phrase, “Look people, this stuff ain’t rocket science.”
Oh, and also.) If you must count along using your hands, don’t be so forceful you accidentally break a finger. This will send you to the ER and leave people wondering where you were going with that whole list thing.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who misses when face tattoos were just a fun way to prank friends who blacked out at parties.
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