New Year’s Resolutions: My Funny 10 for a Lucky ’13

It’s never too early to think about New Year’s Resolutions. Unfortunately, too many go bland with perennials like losing weight and avoiding hard spirits around the Amish. However, highly reliable polls by Rasmussen and Gallup confirm that the more creative your pledge, the more likely you’ll stick to it. That’s why I always make multiple resolutions as (like campaign promises) this increases my chances of accidentally fulfilling one of them.

Thus for 2013, I hereby resolve to…

10. Commit to memory the names of all my co-workers

9. Have the Fiscal Cliff declared a national park to prevent Republicans
from driving too close

8. Perform one selfless act a month until honored as a “patriot” on The
O’Reilly Factor

7. Throw off the carefully crafted agenda of anyone who uses the
non-word “planful”. . . by slugging them

6. Invest in a web cam to succeed Ann Romney as celebrity spokesperson for
stay-at-home moms

5. Assume that same-sex marriage becomes law of the land and get
head start campaigning for legalization of gay divorce

4. Encourage John Mayer to forget about Katy Perry so he moves
directly onto breaking Taylor Swift’s heart

3. Combat global warming by lowering my body temperature via fewer
workouts and less feverish concern for man-made apocalypses

2. Get a mentor to help figure out my best steps for breaking into
the logistics field

1. Re-read the first two Justin Bieber autobiographies ahead of
release of his highly anticipated Episode III: Attack of the Clones

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who after raucously celebrating the New Year's countdown for every time zone has privately committed to entering rehab. For more year-end humor, enjoy:

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: holiday, Top 10 list

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