McDonald’s ends one-of-a-kind cloning experiment

After announcing its first monthly revenue decline in a decade, McDonald’s abruptly ended a controversial hedging strategy involving the cloning of obese customers-of-the-month.

On Thursday, the Oak Brook-based corporation reported its October sales fell an average of 1.8% at its 34,000 stores worldwide. McDonald’s then quietly took a $2 billion accounting write-down for its failed cloning venture, known internally as “Project Double Mint.”

“It seemed fool-proof. Finding new customers with a high potential to become loyal obese patrons requires expensive marketing. So why not tap the simple power of somatic cell nuclear transfer to duplicate our best customers before losing them prematurely to diabetes or arterial plaque build-up?” said Thomas Stentson III, EVP of R&D and Global Red Dye #4 Distribution.

But instead of guaranteeing a continual stream of fat bottom lines, the cloning program ran afoul of international anti-cloning conventions – even after moving to one of McDonald’s remote Brazilian cattle farms.

“Yes, we had some ethical issues to work out, but that has never deterred this corporation. In fact, when it comes to rewriting the book on ethics, we wrote the book on rewriting that book,” he said.

This book is featured in Hamburger University’s advance ethics course called “Spread Your Buns: A deep look inside franchised ethics.”

“We’ve survived negative documentaries, mad cow disease and the 100-calorie serving craze, but this was a perfect storm. It was either cut our cloning costs or increase prices on our dollar menu by 25%,” Stentson said.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who cautions against confusing the cloning program with McDonald’s equally creepy clowning program, which unfortunately continues.

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    SkitSketchJeff

    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact jeffwburdick@aol.com

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