Obama picks Predator Drone to replace Petraeus at CIA

Looking to move quickly past a sex scandal involving the least hottest man in D.C., President Obama today nominated the Predator Drone to succeed General David Petraeus as director of the Central Intelligence Agency.

“It was the natural choice,” the President said. “The Predator Drone has expertly handled thousands of top secret missions, and no one has served with greater distinction in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

“Oh, and yeah, we’re pretty certain it is non-agamous.”

The White House reiterated that previous to last week it had no knowledge of Petraeus’ extra-marital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. But casting doubt on this claim was a report from the Secret Service that their code name for Petraeus was “Honey Pot.”

“We thought that name was just a reference to Petraeus’ well-known love of Winnie the Pooh stories,” said White House spokesperson Jay Carney. “He was famous for reading his troops to sleep with timeless tales from the warm heart of Ashdown Forest.”

Carney said for this same reason Petraeus was beloved by Secret Service agents, who often invited him out for late-night drinks when all were abroad on assignment. When in D.C., Petraeus – a known fitness fanatic – regularly joined them for their daily zumba classes.

Even though the Predator Drone is operated by a computer hard drive, Carney promised its answers at the nomination hearing won’t be any more programmed than any human nominee.

“Most importantly, the Predator Drone is the right choice at the right time for the CIA,” he said. “Talk about sending the right message. If you’re inclined to slack off, who wants to have your new drone director looking over your shoulder or circling above your home.”

Carney also dismissed concerns raised by some on the Senate Intelligence Committee that the Predator Drone could become self-aware at some point during its tenure as CIA Director.

“Self-aware? Are you kidding me. I hardly see how a member of Congress could tell the difference," he said laughing as he closed his press briefing binder and exiting.

For related stories, see:
■ Top 10 reasons Generals oppose ending
    the Afghan War

Today’s Puzzler: How much junk’s in Jill
    Kelley’s trunk? 

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick who, like Gen. “Be-traeus,” never feels he really “knows” a woman until running a six-minute mile with her and exchanging sweaty, filthy emails.

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