Black Friday sales should be safer with Uggs Slugg ban

Black Friday stampedes at American malls should be safer this year thanks to a ruling from the Uggs Slugg Federation of America (USFA). Looking to avoid a repeat of last year’s so-called “Black-and-Blue Friday,” the USFA called for a suspension of all Ugg Slugg activities for Friday, Nov. 23.

The rules for Ugg Slugg are simple: first person to spot a pair of Uggs gleefully proclaims “Ugg Slugg” and gives their buddy a playful shoulder poke. Last year however, a rash of Black Friday arrests marred the sport when mall cops mistook Ugg Slugg games for actual fights.

In the most publicized cases, some mall cops used excessive force to interrupt game play. The Ugg Slugg players naturally mistook this as interest to join the game. When the players saw more Uggs and returned the punches, the mall cops responded with a rain of baton blows and taser shots.

Said USFA President Todd L. Tertleton, “Suspending game activities on Black Friday was a very difficult decision. It’s like telling an alcoholic to put his drinking on hold for just the holidays, but we must keep preventable violence from giving the sport and our players black eyes. After all, we’re not NASCAR or some subdivision bunco league.”

For a fuller explanation of game rules and the underground history of Uggs:

Tertleton added that avoiding player arrests was just one part of the USFA’s reason for shutting down Black Friday Slugging.

“The truth is Ugg Slugg sometimes can be hazardous. When the concentration of Uggs becomes too high, players’ shoulders can bruise from sheer repetition,” he said. “For this reason, we’ve long recommended strict ‘No Slugg Zones’ near multiplexes on the opening weekend of any Twilight movie or near casting calls for any Simon Cowell TV shows.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who admits when he saw the headline "Hostess to go bankrupt," he thought it was another Jill Kelley story.

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, video

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    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact jeffwburdick@aol.com

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