Following the U.S. golfing millionaires’ stunning “Meltdown at Medinah” Sunday, the Occupy Wall Street organization has reported a huge surge in traffic and donations to their Web page.
“This is not how we like to get support,” said Tony Lasters, head non-official of Occupy Wall Street. “Even though we are vehemently opposed to America’s Top 1% – including its Top 1% gazillionaire golfers – we’re still Americans first. We still want our Top 1% to crush the Top 1% from a bunch of socialist countries known for horrible customer service and Downton Abbey.”
He paused and, after recomposing himself, added, “Sorry, this national disgrace really blindsided me. It’s like Woodstock 2 for my generation. You actually called as I was leaving my office, err tent, to head home to my other tent and salve my sorrows in a huge vat of Whole Foods gelato.”
The Ryder Cup employs a scoring system that even the participating golfers don’t understand. Analysts believe this partly explains how the European team roared back Sunday to win 14½ to 13½. This required mounting the largest final-day comeback in the tournament’s impossible-to-care-about history.
The group of golfers formerly known as “America’s team” was assembled and captained by PGA veteran Davis Love III. Despite the loss and seeming to have the name of the least liked character on Gilligan’s Island, Love felt confident he’d be asked back to lead the team in two years.
“Look, we did everything that usually works for us. We wore the gaudy pants. We walked around like we owned the place. We even had the gallery on our side barking ‘U.S.A. U.S.A.’ like any self-respecting rude host,” said Love, whose family owns the copyright to all commercial uses of the word “love.” “It just didn’t work the same magic for us this time.”
The Ryder Cup was renamed in 1994 after Winona Ryder, who at the time was the most popular ingénue on both sides of the Atlantic. As many of the American golfers may soon experience, her public popularity came to a crashing halt not long after her association with the Ryder Cup.
Word of the golfing collapse even rippled through the sparse baseball crowd at U.S. Cellular Field. This included Howard Shablynski who, like everyone in the deflated crowd, was just going through the motions hoping another team of millionaires might not disappoint. (The White Sox lost 6-2.)
“Yeah, huge blow. When we can’t even say our millionaire is better than your millionaire, what does the 99% have left to cheer for? Ain’t that what all of American professional sports is supposed to be about?” Shablynski said.
“It’s kind of like at your work. There’s the suits who make all the money, but they occasionally throw you a couple tickets like I got today. So you want to believe that your millionaire CEO ain’t so bad as the rest of them, but who knows. All I knows is I got a job to do and I do’s it.”
He then pinched the bridge of his nose to forestall tears. “I’m just terribly embarrassed we lost this Rydell Cup thing here in Chicago.”
Per his need to always get in the last word, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel suddenly appeared next to Shablynski and reminded everyone that Chicago remains a world-class city.
“You can’t blame this on us,” Mayor Emanuel angrily said to no one (and everyone). “I was fine the first few days when the U.S. was winning and the news media kept saying Chicago was hosting the Ryder Cup. But now I must set the record straight and remind everyone that this debacle happened in Meh-dinah, which I prefer to think of as closer to Rockford.”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is seldom imitated but often replaced. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.
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