Hurricane Sandy coverage to delay election by one week

Saturation TV coverage of the slow approach of Hurricane Sandy has led to such a shortage of reporters for covering closing election slurs that the two presidential campaigns have agreed to delay Election Day by one week.

“For more than a year, both campaigns have carefully planned our final offensives on voter sensibilities and our opponent’s character,” read a rare joint statement from the Obama and Romney campaigns. “What a shame to waste all that hard work simply because the national media can be so easily distracted by even less important sideshows.”

The American Meteorological Society (AMS) confirmed that Hurricane Sandy should make landfall Monday as a Class 1 storm, which is the least damaging hurricane category. However the AMS – most known for selling its annual Hot Weather Girl Pageant to Donald Trump – still cautioned media outlets to not underestimate Class 1 hurricanes.

“A Class 1 can still inflict very visually appealing damage,” Weather Channel President Misty Freeze said. “This is especially the case in areas with large inventories of foreclosed oceanfront homes that lenders have let fall into disrepair hoping to collect on insurance claims.”

Freeze admits coverage of last year’s Hurricane Irene was a blackeye for the entire “weather-event” community. During landfall of that overhyped Class 1 storm, field correspondents made embarrassingly dire warnings while still wearing ballcaps that winds couldn’t dislodge and as shirtless senior citizens jogged happily behind them.

In response this year, TV outlets sent a record number of their top, unknown correspondents to Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism in Evanston, Ill. There, they logged dozens of hours in the nation’s mostMedill School of Journalism hurricane simulator advanced hurricane media simulator that perfectly replicates painful pelting rain, high winds, and hundreds of programmed field scenarios.

“The Hurri-Simulator 4000 is unparalleled. It lets you stress test every decision a young reporter might face in the field,” Freeze said. “Is your rain coat billowy enough for maximum effect? What’s your ideal unbalanced stance to sell wind conditions? How to ‘own the beach head’ to avoid civilians or competitors walking behind and ruining your shot? And why you should pack it in if Anderson Cooper ever shows up?”

She added that the Hurri-Simulator 4000’s results are unmatched. After covering their first real post-simulator storm, 98 percent of successful graduates never have to cover another one again.

However, these storm preparations only further angered the presidential camps. Most vocal was Romney spokesperson John Sununu, especially when no TV outlets could free up satellite time to broadcast his angry broadsides.

“This media fascination with a minor storm is beyond sophomoric. It’s freshmanic,” Sununu fumed to himself while in an early-morning line at Cold Stone Creamery. “It’s an anti-democratic outrage that real Americans won’t stand for.”

“But it’s typical of how far America has fallen under President Obama. This would never happen under a Republican administration. Take Hurricane Katrina. That was a Category 5 storm and, rightly, didn’t get half as much advanced attention as Hurricane Sandy,” he said.

Related Hurricane Sandy coverage from the FluffingtonPost:

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who’s concerned pushing Election Day to Nov. 13 could overshadow observation of National Indian Pudding Day, the nation’s only food-based Native American holiday.

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    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact jeffwburdick@aol.com

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