Given that the NFL perfectly timed the Chicago Bears’ bye week to fall when not a single other local professional sports team is active, Bears fans are in serious need of a pigskin substitute. Here are 10 ways they could itch that football Jones (not named Thomas):
10. Roadtrip it to Green Bay to enjoy leaves falling from trees and that bloom off Packers team.
9. Follow Jay Cutler around to see if he blames scoreless weekend on feckless O-line play.
8. Join Bears tight ends for defense-led guided tour of the end zone.
7. Reunite Julius Peppers with Cheryl “Salt” James and DJ Spinderella for 20th anniversary re-recording of “Whatta Man.”
6. Verify in Italian if “Carimi” is plural for “false start.”
5. Get D.J. Moore to telestrate what he meant by “If I could have babies, I would want Jay Cutler to be my baby father.”
4. Start list of great hermaphroditic baby names, beginning with “Lovie.”
3. Lobby sports radio stations to drop that one hour of air time dedicated to traffic reports and other sports.
2. Help Chicago Police investigate whether unseen G.M. Phil Emery is just an Auto-Tuned Jerry Angelo on speaker phone.
1. Enjoy free, no-wait tailgating at Soldier Field.
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