In a presidential campaign devoid of new ideas and voter enthusiasm, national polls show that high school student councils are the only demographic riveted by the contest.
Pollsters believe this is due to the 2012 race being more similar to a high school election than any national campaign in memory. For instance, the typical student candidate also runs without a real agenda and depends on a small, fixed base of popularity. Plus, the expected record low turnout this fall will replicate most student council races in which free baked goods are the only way to boost turnout.
“As a student council faculty advisor, I’m disgusted. This race is far too instantly relatable for my students. I’m completely unneeded,” said Dan Staley, junior honors chemistry teacher at Neuqua Valley High School in Naperville, Ill. “It’s like a Hunger Games book: graspable by anyone with a 9th-grade reading ability – which includes our students and most of their parents.”
Staley said some aspects of Obama v. Romney are even worse than a high school election, such as their campaign slogans.
“I wouldn’t approve either slogan if submitted by my students. Take Romney’s ‘Believe in America.’ It’s like something from Peter Pan. At any moment, I expect Romney to ask voters to clap to keep America from dying, which would be the most specific proposal he’s shared yet for improving the economy.”
Like any good student council candidate, junior Amy Shymynski parroted her faculty adviser by agreeing wholeheartedly.
“Yeah, and like what’s with Obama’s slogan? ‘Forward’? Ain’t a ‘forward’ that part of a book everyone skips because it has, like, no relation to the rest of the story?” said Shymynski, who is currently Student Council treasurer and Poms Squad assistant captain.
“You know, my parents also read on the Internet that Obama grew up eating panda, which is like totally icky. So if I am elected class president, I’m going to lead a petition drive outlawing the eating of panda anywhere in the world,” she said. “It’s going to be wicked cool. Woo! GO WILDCATS!!”
Undisputed class bully Butchie McCann also claimed he’s learning tons from this election. Romney even inspired him to run for Student Council president this year. Like Romney in the primaries, Butchie hopes to emerge victorious from an crowded field of lightweights.
His competition includes Shymynski, P.A. announcer Jake Tappan, Southside Sing Out soloist Lacey Crone, and that formerly shy kid who claims he’s from the Year 2030 trying to completely alter his future.
“Romney showed me several things,” Butchie said. “One, you don’t have to be respected to get elected. Two, he knows what it’s like to be called a bully. Yeah, it stings, but Mitt reminds me not to get me down when people criticize you for being the biggest or the most physically persuasive or, in Mitt’s case, being able to buy and sell entire work forces with the snap of his finger.”
But he was quick to note he’s not wholly anti-Obama.
“I love how he gets off all those great zingers about Mitt to change the subject from himself. It’s like how I turn the tables on Mrs. Zufretti in Accounting class about her divorce before she sends me to the Dean’s office,” Butchie said. “That and I can really relate to his sneaking cigarettes when out of sight of the old lady.”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who backs the Democrats decision Tuesday to put only Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel on a three-second delay at their Charlotte Convention. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.
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