Mitt Romney Proposes ‘The Million Millionaires March’

Countering criticism that his campaign lacks specific proposals, Mitt Romney today unveiled an ambitious plan to establish the first-ever “Million Millionaires March.”

Romney scoffed at suggestions he’s stealing the idea from the Nation of Islam’s Million Man March, especially as his idea doesn’t involve actual marching. Instead, he proposes dedicating the entire month of March to millionaires and letting them have four weeks off.

“After my election, I am certain we will experience the most instant and vigorous economic recovery ever. The Million Millionaires March will be my way of thanking the million most important job creators in our nation,” Romney said. “They’ll have worked hard, and I encourage them to just relax. Maybe refresh the botox. Take an extra Lipitor. Polish up the golf game before those critical summer Board retreats to Pebble Beach and St. Andrew’s.”

He also noted the unique burdens millionaires shoulder shuttling between multiple homes; opening and closing summer cottages; and trying to avoid rush hour by getting to the office by 9:30 and leaving by 4 – all the while staying up on signing paperwork.

“Well not really signing it, but they are initialing a lot of documents,” he said. “Let’s also not forget the never-ending staff emails that demand timely, ambiguous replies to help keep the plates spinning.”

When pressed about the spinning plates, Romney acknowledged he was speaking broadly.

“It really varies by industry. Sometimes it’s about keeping your balls in the air or the trains on time. On Wall Street, you’ve got to keep that pea quickly moving between shells,” he said. “But the goal in any private industry is the same: to create new jobs for the American people.”

Romney emphasized he wants his proposal to be completely bipartisan and invites Obama to serve as co-grand marshal of the Million Millionaires March. Because at least 40 percent of Obama’s millionaire donors aren’t also giving to the Romney campaign, full millionaire participation could be achieved by combining mailing lists.

Reporters asked, if elected president, would he take March off too? Romney said no.

“I’m fortunate. My life is far less exhausting than the average millionaire’s. I don’t have any ex-wives or secret sister wives. That’s why at my age I still look like a 50-year-old country club treasurer.

“But most millionaires aren’t so lucky. Their extended family obligations are brutal. They have step-families piled atop step-families. But if they only use March to catch up on stuffing $5 bills into all those birthday cards with the ovals cut out of them, then the Million Millionaires March will have fulfilled its mission,” he said.

For recent related campaign humor, enjoy:

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who wonders if gays can now openly serve in the military, then why can’t Obama help Congressional moderates come out of the closet too?

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: 2012 election, fake news, Romney

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    SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a comedy writer, thumb-wrestling cut man, and aspiring Futurist. Also authors the #OnThisDate Alternate Almanac on Twitter. Contact jeffwburdick@aol.com

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