Mitt Romney blames 47% of his problems on Obama class warfare

Following Mother Jones Magazine’s release of his secretly taped remarks, Mitt Romney called a news conference Tuesday to blame class warfare by the Obama Campaign for forcing him to divide the American electorate into simplistic classes of victims and victimizers.

He blamed Obama and billionaires like Warren Buffet and Bill Gates for saying the top 1% of Americans should pay slightly more in taxes. If not for that, Romney said he’d never have characterized 47% of Americans – including active military, retirees from the Greatest Generation and low-wage employees at Bain Capital companies like Staples – as having a cripplingly dependent, victim’s mindset.

“You see, I’m the real victim here. I’m being persecuted solely because I don’t suffer from a victim’s mindset, and that’s not fair,” Romney explained. “For that reason, on the first day I’m president I’ll sign into law a non-victim’s victimization tax cut for anyone making more than $1 million.”

He conceded that if he knew his comments would be heard by more than just high-income political donors, then he’d have chosen a more “elegant way” to spin them.

“No, I won’t retract anything. In fact, I’m glad they’re finally public. My campaign’s previous messages clearly weren’t working, so why not strip away the phoniness and give truth a shot. At this point, what do we got to lose?”

What he had difficulty explaining was why he so resents those 47% of Americans who, like him, strive to pay as low a tax rate as possible and are simply playing by the same tax rules set up by others.

“Well, that’s where Obama’s class warfare has made it impossible for severe conservatives like me to cogently articulate our moderate views,” Romney said. “But I’ll try…

“Yes, I am for lower and lower taxes, but not for workers who are Obama supporters. Just for job creators like me – someone who last held a private sector job 13 years ago and should be allowed to live tax-free off his dividends, interest income and inherited wealth. That’s called rewarding what makes this nation so great and not incentivizing the freeloaders.”

Romney said if elected president he would resolve the class warfare problem in the same way he proposes addressing illegal immigration.

“I’m a realist. I recognize there would be no class resentment in this country if those 47% didn’t exist. So I will encourage them to voluntarily deport to one of our natural enemies that believe in socialism – like England or Canada or France. Then all differences of opinion between the have-a-lots and their loyal work forces would completely disappear,” he said.

For recent related campaign humor, enjoy:

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who hopes Romney’s anti-immigration policies do not apply to dependent, German-born tax-deductions like their Olympic horse Rafalca. For more FluffingtonPost, visit BurdickComm.com

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: 2012 election, fake news, politics, Romney

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