Editor’s note: Like any newspaper, The FluffingtonPost maintains a board of aging “wise men” (and one female) who pontificate with glib certainty on issues of the day. Here is their presidential endorsement:
As presidential candidates remind us every four years, we stand at a moment unlike any in our nation’s history, and this space couldn’t agree more. Consider that our nation has never comprised this exact collection of citizens, at this exact age, and with this exact choice of candidates.
For this reason, we take our endorsement responsibilities seriously – even if turgidly elaborated print endorsements are to this decade what our office’s beloved shag-carpet wall art was to the previous three decades.
The stakes couldn’t be higher. For instance, maybe the Mayans are right and the world will soon come to an apocalyptic end. Or, maybe they’ll be wrong – which is the more hopeful belief of this space – and all of our dreadful politics will continue with no compromise in sight.
Either way, this election offers a stark contrast in Willard Mitt Romney and Barack Hussein Obama II. In Romney, we have an unapologetic, purebred capitalist, while Obama is unapologetically financed by purebred capitalists.
But more fundamentally, this contest pits Harvard Business against Harvard Law to revive one of our nation’s oldest debates:
- Do the super-rich have all the answers to directly manage our nation’s problems? (Romney)
- Or are they better served hiring someone else to manage those problems for them? (Obama)
As regular readers of this space know well, The FluffingtonPost Editorial Board is nothing if not a student of history. This has not only placed a wealth of anachronistic 1950s Broadway musical references at our fingertips (“Eliza, where the devil are my slippers?”), but makes us deeply aware of the many ways our nation has resolved this core philosophical dilemma.
At times we’ve put the reins of government firmly in the soft hands of our richest men: James Madison, Lyndon Johnson, Herbert Hoover. Then in the Gilded Age, the super wealthy stepped back and, like any great ventriloquist, let their puppets become the headliners – such as Grover Cleveland, namesake of one of our greatest second-banana cities. Later during the Great Depression, we opted for a hybrid model in FDR – a man of great wealth who nonetheless hired someone to push him around in the right direction.
Now in 2012, the American electorate faces that eternal question again: Are we better off entrusting power to the very rich or to their appointed attorney?
On the one hand, we can usually depend on the ultra-rich, with their carefully inbred super-DNA, to always have the right answers. This alone would recommend giving our self-important nod to Mitt.
However modern America’s economic strength remains its willingness to outsource just about anything. Our vegetable farmers outsource picking. The Pentagon outsources private security. Even the Internet outsources searching itself to the Google. So shouldn’t this favor outsourcing (or “off-shoring,” in the words of birthers) another four years to Obama?
Alas, if only our choice were so simple. This space realizes that, given Supreme Court equal-protection corporate rulings, we’re overlooking the perspective of probably America’s most successful “persons” of all. We speak of course of corporations. Thus it behooves us to ask if Jesus were a corporation, who would he choose?
The illuminating answer: neither. Like any great corporation, Jesus Incorporated would certainly prefer hiring a whole team of management consultants to conduct rapid top-to-bottom analyses; create “roughly right” rescue plans; and when those fail, select which parts to keep or sell off. (For example, shuttering Arkansas as a sunk cost or shortening supply chains by selling off the Hawaiian archipelago.)
So without any further ado or kerfuffling delay, this space humbly asks “Shall we dance” and for voters to “Dream a little dream” by wholeheartedly endorsing...
… Bain Capital as 45th President of the United States.
After all, why settle for a single Harvard MBA or lone Harvard Law graduate when we can elect hundreds of each in a single “person.”
“I like to be in America, OK by me in America, everything free in America...
For a small fee in America!”
— West Side Story (1957)
The FluffingtonPost Editorial Board was appointed by Jeff Burdick, who thinks Congressional politics could actually be a lot like tiddlywinks if more tiddlywink players padded their bios, married multiple times and posted naked photos to the Internet.
Get notified by email of new FluffPost humor. Provide your address below & click “Subscribe By Email.” You can opt out any time.