1.) Bill Clinton crowns Colombian-born Sofia Vergara winner of his annual Clinton Global Initiative beauty pageant.
2.) Dancing With The Stars kicks off a remarkable 15th consecutive season without ever casting a current star.
3.) Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says Chicago Teachers Union’s ratification of a 2% annual wage increase should reassure all parents that teachers again have students’ best interests at heart.
5.) Hundreds of White Sox fans complain about other fans sitting in adjacent rows despite there being ample room to spread out.
6.) Eager to refute his rep as a high-functioning mimbo, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte faces off against “The Situation” from Jersey Shore in an epic “think off.” (Lochte prevails in 4-hour lightning round tie-breaker.)
7.) Obama doesn’t exactly tell Libyan militants to cool it, but his chill demeanor makes it abundantly clear to all.
9.) Gambling syndicates are outraged by end of NFL referee lockout, but are consoled knowing the NBA season is just a month away.
10.) Behind the scenes, Mitt Romney explodes at his Secret Service protection for not protecting him from himself.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who would have long ago confronted his demons but eschews confrontations of any kind. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.
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