1.) Betty White endorses new plasma screen for seniors that turns on in snooze mode and dispenses real plasma.
2.) Monday Night Football makes bull rush for female demographic: Committed to stamping out breast cancer unawareness in our lifetime, ESPN makes all teams wear pink for entire season.
3.) Survivor: Jupiter jumps the shark with staged Jeff Probst alien incubation.
4.) Cable channels beg in vain for the Sept. 23 Emmys to be moved from ABC to AMC so someone sees their shows win most of the awards.
5.) The CW mashes up The Carrie Diaries and The Walking Dead to create The Zombie Diaries – a tween drama about freakish journaling among the undead. “Dear Diary: Went on Atkins today. Feeling sluggish.”
6.) Friend Me – Vegas sport books host weekly viewing parties to see which lasts longer: CBS’ new sitcom set at Groupon… or Groupon itself.
7.) Jimmy Fallon relaunches a struggling Guys with Kids (NBC) as Goys on the Skids – a Golden Girls/Bosom Buddies knock-off about some bankrupt old televangelists passing as Hasidic women to live in subsidized Miami Beach housing.
8.) Mitt Romney pranks Obama at the first Presidential Debate using a killer “Luther, Obama’s anger translator” impersonation during the closing rebuttal.
9.) With Malibu Country (ABC), Reba McEntire proves the same formula from her former WB show Reba can work with an actual audience.
10.) For The Office’s heart-warming final season (NBC), Bain Capital takes over DunderMifflin, which causes the catastrophic bankruptcy of both. Spoiler alert: Romney loses in November.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who worries about Larry King. By now, he should have fathered another child and been back on the air. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.
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