Your ‘Fun Guide’ to the Republican National Convention

On Monday, the GOP and Mitt Romney’s hyper-fertile family hit Tampa to kick off the Republican National Convention. This includes 2,286 delegates who are mostly Romney grandchildren. Another 2,125 alternates will attend in case any delegates go rogue or try using the convention to pre-contest Mitt’s will.

As a guide to the other festivities, here are 10 intriguing questions to follow:

10.) Who will Ann’s Olympic horse endorse? One nod of Rafalca’s noble head says she backs Mitt. Two stamps of her left hoof means “go Obama.” But if she bucks her hind legs, then she’s again caught whiff of Rush Limbaugh trying to sneak up from behind stoned on Oxy and Jim Beam.

9.) Can “War on Women” end honorably? To quell misogynist rumors, should GOP dedicate all of Tuesday’s program to female voters? The current theme is “Rich White Men & the Women Who Love Them,” but the rich white men have been lobbying to get the night off and party with the Secret Service.

8.) A hero’s entrance for Romney? Will Mitt arrive at the Tampa Forum atop a parade of Escalades, proving he is both pro-Detroit and that his family dog really didn’t have it so bad?

Mitt Romney salutes military and floppy hats
6.) Gay marriage compromise? Given growing Republican support for same-sex marriage, might the Platform Committee switch teams and change their “Defense of Marriage” plank? But if they do, don’t expect Evangelicals to stop insisting “traditional divorce” remain only between a man and a woman.

5.) Will Catholic Church cement unholy alliance? Eager to reverse Obamacare’s family-planning mandate, might Catholic cardinals openly bless the Romney-Ryan ticket? And how long until they realize Ryan’s Medicare plan would prematurely kill 90% of the remaining American Catholic population?

4.) Is GOP “more popular than Jesus”? The RNC claims it has issued 15,000 media credentials worldwide and the convention will be the 2nd largest internationally covered event in history. This ranks behind only the London Olympics, at which foreign reporters also awaited Romney’s next gaffe.
Karl Rove is man behind GOP curtain
2.) Should Romney embrace his father’s Mexican heritage and endorse the Dream Act? Or will Mitt fake multicultural ignorance by continuing to say Cinco de Mayo is his favorite brand of five-mayonnaise Frito dip?

1.) Will GOP find the Fountain of Youth in Tampa? Or will it just feel that way after Republican freshmen break into the Florida Aquarium to go skinny dipping and recreate their wild Sea of Galilee beach party?

For related Romney humor, enjoy:

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who loves they named the approaching Caribbean hurricane after Isaac from “The Love Boat.” For more FluffingtonPost, visit

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