Rev. Jesse Jackson disputes Mayo Clinic is ‘too white’ for Junior

Rev. Jesse Jackson reported yesterday his son, Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr., continues to make progress recovering from vague, undisclosed conditions that may or may not be limited to just being tired and moody.

More surprising than this non-news was that no reporters had called Rev. Jackson for the non-update. He simply convened an ad hoc news conference at the Will County courthouse while reporters waited for the Drew Peterson trial to resume. Much like not waking a sleepwalker, the reporters thought it best to not shock a media diva by suddenly withholding their attention.

Congressman Jackson has been absent from his elected office for the past two months, reportedly first checking into the whitest drug addiction and mood disorder clinic in Tucson, Ariz., and then the Mayo Clinic in even whiter Minnesota. Reporters asked Rev. Jackson if he worries his family’s street cred will take a hit from his son entering a facility called “Mayo.”

“Look, my family long ago became multi-millionaires by publicly representing the dispossessed and then privately cutting corporate deals for ourselves. So at this point, I’d be quite surprised if anyone started questioning our commitment to improving the community,” he said.

Rev. Jackson said treatments for his son’s exhaustion have required more than just taking the entire summer off with pay from Congressional duties and ducking rumors of a possible federal indictment. Unfortunately Rev. Jackson said a precedent-setting gag order from his son’s doctors prevented him from commenting further.

“I guess that’s just how these white facilities work,” he said. “I wouldn’t have respected any gag order during the Civil Rights Protest Era, but this is completely different. Lives are at stake here, so I think it best to just defer to these domineering white men in lab coats.”

After the reporters exhausted their ability to appear interested in Rev. Jackson and started toward the vending machines, he chased after to remind them to respect the Jackson family’s need for privacy at this time. To recapture the reporters’ attention, he added that in hindsight the family regrets checking Junior into an Arizona facilty in the middle of summer.

“We had some setbacks treating his mood disorder there. But given that Tucson never got much cooler than 110 degrees, who wouldn’t get a little cranky, right?" Jackson said, “Plus his mistress was not allowed to visit him, which was tough because she’s as close to him as any family.”

In Washington, D.C., Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, was reported to be lifting Junior’s spirits by collecting 200 signatures on get-well cards.

“Everyone here sympathizes with JJ Junior’s situation,” said the 65-year-old Congressman: “My 35-year-old third wife knows his mistress socially. Good people. People like us. I also well understand the toll that exhaustion can take on a person — especially when much younger women are involved.”

“Some say exhaustion is a sympton, but I say it’s a disease,” Kucinich said. “Do you think I was born looking this haggard? No, it’s all from doing the work of the people. Even as we deliver less and less, voters just keep demanding more and more.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who holds out hope the Washington Wizards will change names again and reboot as the “Beltway Cherry Blossoms.” For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit

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