What if the same person is responsible for most classifieds? Would it change how you read them (or any random five for that matter)? Consider these five from the fictitious pages of the world’s favorite fake aggregator The FluffingtonPost:
1.) Never-used wedding accessories: “Memories live forever” deluxe photo package (incl. matching keychain fobs), 55 lbs. of prime chuck, 44 lime sherbert cups, Shannon Rovers Irish Pipe Band appearance, Minooka Fraternal Order of Mallards hall rental (Aug. 28 only).
2.) Roommate needed: Single BR in recently unfurnished 1½-BR garden condo. Great Uptown location: steps from Red Line, sidewalk & dollar store (in that order). Rent $425/mo. Must appreciate music, out-of-town visitors & creative idiosyncrasies. Pullout sofa bed, WiFi, cookware & plumbing skills preferred.
3.) Skilled trade/craft: Odd man available for odd jobs. Some oddities negotiable. Working shower not.
4.) Missed connection: Soulmates on Southbound? You: probably 5'6", 28ish, auburn highlights, blue eyes with Kellogg School of Management attaché. Me: artsy non-alpha male with stay-at-home dad potential. Normally on southbound Red Line making Fullerton stop at 08:15. Didn’t ride Monday due to public library closure. I’m sure we missed each other. Please respond.
5.) Gigs: Classic-rock party band seeks keyboardist. Must have well-programmed flute sounds. Playlist: 70% covers, 30% copyright infringements. (Just full disclosure if we hit it big.)
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who recently placed his old altar-boy pageant sashes on eBay. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.
Get notified by email of new FluffPost humor. Provide your address below & click “Subscribe By Email.” You can opt out any time.