Chicago Mayor curses out Chick-fil-A for bad values

With his typical storm of profanity, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel fumed that no one would prevent him from upholding Chicago’s most basic civic values. Thus, he announced rejecting various license and permit requests from the restaurant chain Chick-fil-A, the Chicago Teachers Union and the local tattered remnants of Occupy Wall Street.

According to Rahm, the city’s values (i.e., commitment to gay marriage) does allow Chick-fil-A to have one restaurant in a high-visibility downtown location, but those same values clearly would not allow a second one in a less visible area. Similarly, the lack of appropriate values by the Chicago Teachers Union and Occupy Wall Street tied his hands to grant permits for their protest marches.

“What kind of asinine question is that?” Rahm raged at the kick-off softball question from his own spokesperson. “How the [bleep] can we have a civil, well-functioning community if we let every [bleep] do whatever the [bleep] they want.

One reporter asked if it was legal to refuse basic municipal requests on the grounds of differing political or religious views. For example, the teachers wish to protest delays in finalizing a new collectively bargained contract, and Occupy Wall Street wants to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights by marching in opposition to corporate welfare for the top 1%.

“Don’t be a [bleepin] schmuck and exaggerate things. We don’t negotiate with [bleepin] terrorists, and in this case, I won’t negotiate away our values to these people,” the mayor said.

“It’s like that movie Footloose: You can’t let a bunch of [bleeps] shake their amateur [bleeps] all over the place. Do you want to turn Chicago into some kind of hick, valueless Southern town with bad rhythm? So leave the [bleepin] dancing to the pros like the Joffrey Ballet or until a Kevin Bacon shows up and can teach the [bleepin] glorious values of interpretative dance.”

At one point, members of the electronic media explained that FCC standards would not allow them to air the mayor’s vulgar tirade. They asked him to repeat his main talking points without the obscenities. This caused the mayor’s ire to blaze up anew.

“Screw your broadcasting standards. This is about defending our high values not yours. It’s about being a world-class city and letting everyone know who’s their daddy.”

The Napoleonic mayor then jumped off his one-step-high podium stage and departed for his fifth vacation of the year, which comprises a three-week family trip split between Las Vegas and the clothing-optional beaches of Monte Carlo.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who feels amending the U.S. Constitution would be far easier if the drafters had turned on Track Changes. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, Pure Chicago, Rahm Emanuel

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