Rahm returns from Idaho mountaintop with no commandments

Rahm’s back!! Fresh from his posh mountain weekend retreat, Chicago’s workaholic mayor reported he is recharged and ready to keep innovating small stabs at the city’s big problems.

Mayor Emanuel said, “What a weekend. My big learning: if the children of Sun Valley, Idaho, can walk their streets without fear, then why can’t Chicago children. That’s the big difference between me and most people. They say ‘why,’ but I’ll say ‘why can’t.’ ”

At press time, City Hall would not clarify what the mayor meant, but they did confirm the exclusive Idaho gathering featured 400 esteemed CEOs such as Rupert Murdoch. Executives typically organize such “conferences” to disguise hunting weekends as reimbursable business expenses that also let the CEOs take the following Monday and Tuesday off.

In the mayor’s case, he has already taken four family vacations in the first 6½ months this year. This included the recent Fourth of July week and trips to Peru/Argentina, the Czech Republic and Utah. He sidestepped criticism that he may be taking too much time off.

“Come on, Idaho wasn’t even a full week. It was more like a chaser to help me ease back into work mode,” he said. “But we do have a long boring stretch ahead. I already expect to need at least three floaters and two sanity sick days just to make it to Labor Day.”

Emanuel added the opportunity to boost Chicago’s economic development by networking with top CEOs was too valuable to pass up.

“Chicago has a world-class reputation, but you’d be surprised how many CEOs haven’t heard of us,” Rahm said. “Plus there’s something about being at high altitudes and breathing all that crisp clean air that makes CEOs very open to relocating to Chicago. The mountains are just that magical.”

Within Rahm’s Judaic faith, trips to mountains also hold great symbolic meaning. Typically the individual is summoned to undergo a great test or return with revolutionary wisdom. In this case, Rahm said the weekend had more of a chill vibe. He returned with no stone tablets nor even one of his famous headline-grabbing, impossible-to-implement 10-point bridge plans.

“No, the ole boys only gave me an honorarium and – maybe as a nod to Chicago’s once great stockyards – this golden calf,” he said. (See photo below.)

Almost as an afterthought, Mayor Emanuel added that wresting back control of Chicago’s streets was never far from his mind.

“I gotta say that bastard Murdoch is a genius. He recommended a ton of great new surveillance ideas to crack down on protesters,” Rahm said. “What? Can we use those techniques on violent street-gang drug rings? Good question, and you know, I was going to ask that myself, but I got in the microphone line too late and time ran out.

“Maybe next year when we hit Banff. I can’t wait. In my head, I'm already half there.”

Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Google Chairman Eric Schmidt
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who recently learned there’s a difference between “going on the lam” and ordering “gyros to go.” For more fake news and FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.

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Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, Pure Chicago, Rahm Emanuel

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