Heaven Responds(!) to ‘A Prayer for Jesse Jackson Jr.’

We all aspire to reach heaven, but goodness, could heaven’s customer-response standards be any worse? We send up our prayers but have no idea if they are received, filed properly or dismissed by some sneering clerk. However, I did receive the below response to my recent “Prayer for Jesse Jackson Jr.” It indicates changes may be afoot up there but also that some old attitudes will die hard.


         The usual (sex/fame/love/money)              Any sign you're listening
         Field sobriety test                              Alec Baldwin is on my plane
         Avoid awkward 'L conversation           X   Congress
         Leave Scientology                                        Other:

Thank you for your   July 7   prayer received by our   N. American Midwest    branch. We   apologize for   acknowledge    the delay in responding and the impersonal nature of this form letter. Your prayer about   Jesse Jackson Jr.    has been processed and is extremely   important  grammatical   . Be aware we often field multiple prayers on the same issue. In fact, yours is one of   one    total prayers received on this topic, and we’ve dispatched a technician to investigate.

Please know we   encourage   deeply value   are reconciled to   hearing from our customers, especially from   even Chicago   , and although we know you would prefer a personal response,   we call the shots   . Also note we experience high prayer volume from 8 a.m. to noon Sundays, right before weekday bedtime, and after midnight Saturdays. For quicker response, consider praying outside these peak hours. Thank   God   you   .

I’ve investigated many prayers from politicians (usually linked to wire taps and camera phone images), but never for a politician. After review, the consensus diagnosis is charlatanry, with Junior’s exhaustion and mood disorders an obvious side effect of seeing himself in reflective surfaces. Unless Junior is filming multiple episodes of Undercover Boss or vision questing in the desert for a calling higher than buying a Senate seat, such a sudden public disappearance would only be acceptable if his name were Donald Trump. Another warning sign: a minister father with history of adultery and obsession for mass-media appearances. Never a great influence.

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