On Monday’s CBS Evening News, Mayor Rahm Emanuel said if Chicago gangbangers had stronger values then they would only shoot at each other in alleys (see video here). As curious as this theory is, here are our Top 10 ideas to help Rahm lure gangbangers back into the city’s dark alleys:
- Introduce more gang members to the beauty of Chicago alleys by hiring them to post rodent abatement signs
- Create fun obstruction-laden shooting courses a la paintball
- Spruce up alleys with cooling trellises
- Establish “Gangbangers-Ride-Free Tuesdays” on all garbage trucks
- Better lighting to encourage a lifelong love of reading
- Hang bacon-scented car air fresheners from utility lines
- License entrepreneurs to rework alleys into cool night clubs. (Like the Peach Pit After Dark on “90210")
- Relocate curbside bong recycling
- Host special “Movies in the Alley” series featuring only Muhammad Ali and Kirstie Alley flicks
- More mayoral “tough talk” on CBS News (the preferred news outlet of local street gangs)
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who once won a best-decorated-utility-pole contest using his gang colors of teal and maroon with glitzy gold glitter. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.
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