1.) As part of making Chicago more immigrant friendly, Mayor Emanuel has named the Chicago River a sanctuary waterway for Asian carp. He also formally apologized for the past use of electrified detention fences.
2.) Investigation of “person of interest” dropped when he’s discovered to be agonizingly, painfully boring.
3.) With zero precincts reporting, CNN’s Election Center projects the next President of the United States to be... a millionaire.
4.) Chicago media are reporting a suburbanite died today. No further details. Just, it could happen to you.
5.) Shouldn’t 90% of all overhyped hurricanes end the same way – with the National Weather Service downgrading them to “Hurricane Y2K”?
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, the only Medill journalism student ever to score a perfect 100 in the Garry Marshall hurricane simulator. For more FluffingtonPost humor, visit BurdickComm.com.
Get notified by email of new FluffPost humor. Provide your address below & click “Subscribe By Email.” You can opt out any time.